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Almost five years have passed since the first publication of this book. It cannot be said that teenagers have changed noticeably during this time, but life does not stand still. Some trends in the interests of teenagers, their relationships with each other and with the outside world are growing, while others lose strength and fade into the background. It’s hard not to notice that our children are becoming more and more involved in the Internet and social networks, and as a result, new risk areas are emerging, such as cyberbullying or virtual addiction. Teenagers increasingly feel like they are part of the adult world and more actively copy adult behavior, be it sexual relationships or some cultural or fashion trends. Almost every second girl aged 10–11 years is concerned about her own weight and is thinking about dieting, trying to meet the beauty standards set by models and movie stars and... their own young mothers, for whom “the right appearance” is associated with success and high social status.

We tried to reflect these and other trends in the new edition of the book, supplementing it with relevant articles and a list of useful literature for parents with detailed annotations.

But in general, all the main issues and difficulties of the transition period remain the same, because the age crisis has not yet been canceled. Getting to know your new body, distancing yourself from your parents and introducing yourself to the world of adults, gaining authority and determining your place among your peers, and in addition - a continuous search for yourself, your path... Teenagers must solve these and other important tasks at this age. And our task is to become different parents as they grow up. Find the courage to change and, no matter what happens, maintain contact with them, be there for them. Not to protect them from life, but to bring them into this world. To eventually turn into real friends, into adults dear to each other.

Alla Anufrieva, editor of Psychologies

Alexander Alperovich, publisher Clever

Foreword by an expert

Admit your insecurities

A 15-year-old boy lives in one family. An ordinary looking teenager. However, I have been doing poorly at school for the last year. There are many absences for unknown reasons, many failures - either for forgotten notebooks, or for unfinished homework, and for ignorance of the subject, of course. In class there is a bored, absent, as the teachers say, face. And at home - sitting for many hours playing computer games. Discussion of game results on social networks and communities. Days (and nights) long. The boy is advanced in computer games. He has a high rating among gamers. And in other areas of life there is a lot of criticism and a feeling that he is not what they would like to see him. The room is a mess. Clothes mixed with cups and plates. There is a half-empty school backpack in the corner. Silence and sarcasm are the only ways to communicate with your mother. And irritation when trying to discuss his difficulties with him.

A 13-year-old girl lives in another family. He does well at school. He plays sports seriously and wins competitions. She spends a lot of time in sports camps, not afraid of physical activity, and is independent in everyday life. Little by little he composes songs. A couple of good friends, mutual understanding with coaches, respectful attitude from teachers. The girl keeps a diary in which she asks many questions: about herself, about friendship, about goals in life, about the good and bad things around her. The girl doesn’t know the answers to these questions, but for some reason she doesn’t want to discuss them with anyone. She cries at night because “she doesn’t know anything, doesn’t understand anything.” And during the day he studies again, trains, bakes cookies. She even shot an amateur video for her song and posted it online. In the video she is completely different than in ordinary life - carefree, cheerful, relaxed.

What do these two children, so different from each other, have in common? They are teenagers. Their very different interests converge in the search for answers to the main questions: “Who am I?”, “How do I look in the eyes of others?”, “What is my place in the world?”

A lot has been said about teenagers. Today we seem to know this age quite well, we know the psychological techniques of listening and understanding, and yet we are often disappointed in the forms of communication that we have with teenagers. We don’t understand: what is this? Who are we dealing with? What is wrong with us adults if it is so difficult for children? So what do we already know?

Teenagers are looking for themselves. Both in the literal and figurative sense of the word they are looking for their face, their individuality. These searches should result in the construction of our own ethical system. Many philosophers and psychologists have written about this, studying the main life tasks of this age. Developing your own ethics and, more broadly, ideology, worldviews requires reflection, awareness, and experimentation. Teenagers resolutely push aside the known, and in the resulting space they try to formulate something of their own and fiercely defend it, fight for it. Sometimes even in illicit and – often – paradoxical ways. What are these methods?

– Question the experience of previous generations, move away from common truths. To arrive as a result, perhaps, to the same thing, but on your own. It is like a difficult, long and risky journey in search of a rare treasure. And the treasure is discovered in his native land, not far from home.

– Search for your uniqueness, but at a certain point in your life merge with the image of your idol, to the point of complete copying, to the point of losing your individuality. An idol can be a bright classmate or a movie star in equal measure.

– Lose the last signs of dependence on adults, striving to gain independence. And get caught in the web of a new addiction. Teenagers can only say “yes” to themselves after they have said “no” to the world. Often even what one really likes is rejected. However, this sweet word “no” attracts more, makes it dependent on the pleasure of pronouncing it.

– Can’t stand comparing yourself to others: “I can’t, I don’t want and I won’t be like everyone else.” And at the same time, to defend your “I”, look for your own group, company. This is how the whole group defends individuality - unusualness in the manner of dressing, behaving, speaking, and adhering to values. This is such a group individuality.

All this can be said about teenagers today. But the same thing happened to us, today's parents of teenagers, in our adolescence. What's new?

In today's world there are not many truths and ethical standards that are unconditionally approved by everyone. Modern civilization allows the equal coexistence of different shades of norms and values. In ethical polyphony, searching for one’s own “correct” is more difficult. It turns out that today's teenagers need to understand the polyphony, compare each voice with their own, give each their own assessment. Big job. And this is why many complaints arise against adults: “You yourself cannot decide what is right for you. How can you teach us anything?

Trying to understand the polyphony of good and bad, teenagers need broad contacts with peers more than ever. Social networks provide a great opportunity. Ease of communication, the opportunity to hide behind masks, fictitious biographies, and try different roles. And real isolation, independence from adults. But we have already said that in a strong desire for independence there is a risk of coming to a new dependence. In this case, it is addiction to being on the internet, gambling addiction, which gives a strong feeling of success and competence.

Communicating with peers on social networks is in some ways easier, since you can avoid situations that in real communication you have to face head-on and look for some way out. And this apparent simplicity and variety of contacts that a teenager so needs binds him to social networks. The continuity of the communication feed gives a feeling of constant inclusion in the group, belonging to a social community.

Current page: 1 (book has 15 pages total) [available reading passage: 9 pages]

Nellie Litvak
Our good teenagers

Editor Rose Piscotina

Project Manager I. Seregina

Technical editor N. Lisitsyna

Proofreaders M. Savina

Computer layout E. Sentsova, Y. Yusupova

Cover artist I. Yuzhanina

Litvak N.

Our good teenagers / Nelly Litvak. – M.: Alpina non-fiction, 2010.

ISBN 978-5-9614-2295-5

All rights reserved. No part of the electronic copy of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, including posting on the Internet or corporate networks, for private or public use without the written permission of the copyright owner.

Introduction

Why me?

My name is Nelly, I am 38 years old, I am a mathematician, I live in Holland and work at one of the Dutch universities. I have two daughters. The eldest is sixteen, and the youngest is four.

I consider my trusting relationship with my eldest daughter to be one of my main achievements in life. Natasha is an absolutely normal teenager, nothing like me at that age. I have always been an excellent student, an activist, a good girl with all the joys and complexes that entailed. And this one is interested in fashion, girlfriends, modern music and all sorts of expensive electronic toys. Every month she dyes her hair, every day she lines her eyes to match the color of her T-shirt and the flowers on her sandals. She paints on her nails either tic-tac-toe, or zebra stripes, or some kind of pearlescent shimmer, which takes two or three precious hours of her youth. A cheerful girl, far from being the first student in the class, dreams of a scooter, changes boys, and so on, and so on... With her explosive character in her face, I could have a little witch in the house and live for several years with screams and slamming doors. But we have peace and quiet, and despite all our differences, my daughter trusts me, loves to spend time with me, gets scared when I’m unhappy, and listens when problems arise. At the same time, I am far from an authoritarian mother and have never even really punished her.

While writing my first notes, I realized that it doesn’t end with solving problems. This is how the second part of the notes arose: about why communicating with teenagers is interesting and fun and how it can be done.

To my great joy and amazement, the Alpina Non-Fiction publishing house responded to the proposal to publish my notes about teenagers. We quite quickly agreed to make this book and agreed on the content, which, in addition to the first notes in two parts, included three more chapters. The third chapter is about a teenager’s activities with and without parents. The fourth is about conflicts and how to avoid them or at least reduce their number. And the fifth chapter is about upbringing and education in Holland, where the approach to these issues is very different from the Russian one and will be of interest to Russian parents. I must admit that I learned a lot of what I want to talk about from my Dutch parents. And they have a lot to learn. According to the latest statistics, Dutch children are the happiest in the world, and 70% of Dutch teenagers have a good relationship with their parents. And since I know the Dutch system thoroughly - from the birth of a child to university, then who else, if not me, should tell about this!

In addition, I tried to comprehend and generalize the experience of my school friends and their parents, the experience of my current friends and their children, as well as the experience accumulated in my family. My grandmother, a professor of didactics, is a teacher from God. She worked at the school for a long time and worked all sorts of miracles with teenage students (for example, a ski trip from Gorky to Moscow with concerts in rural schools). In our family, it is customary to be friends with children; this tradition has been going on for four generations. My mother even wanted to write a book about it, but she hasn’t written it yet. So I will, at least partially, do it for her.

What you will and won't find in this book

We often don't like something about our teenage children. The easiest way is to start criticizing your child for everything. I will try to explain why this is useless and even very harmful, and will offer my approach to typical teenage problems. By this I mean the typical problems of successful children: things like poor academic performance, reluctance to communicate with parents, differences of opinion, unhealthy eating, begging for money and gifts, excessive flirting, neglect of household responsibilities, a terrible mess in the room, discouraging appearance or slamming doors. I am absolutely not ready to advise anything about alcoholism, drugs, crime, leaving home and other truly serious problems. I am convinced that these problems can be prevented, but if trouble has already struck, then you need to urgently seek help from professionals.

I can't tell you how to solve each of your child's specific problems. This is very individual, and my only advice is to see the good in children and scold them as little as possible. But I will try to explain a certain general approach to teenage problems, and if you like it, then you will see for yourself where and how it can be applied.

I am not a professional teen parenting expert. My thoughts are based on my Russian and Dutch experiences and the experiences of my family and friends. This book is a conversation between a mother and other mothers and fathers about what so often worries us about our children and our relationships with them. It seems to me that even just thinking about this, honestly and self-critically, is already very useful for solving many problems, and I hope that my book will help you with this. (Also in the third chapter there is a small section addressed to teenagers themselves, where we talk about what makes sense to spend time on during adolescence in order to increase the chances of success and happiness in the near future.)

I don't presume to teach you how to raise a perfect child. This is impossible. And it's not necessary! But I will do everything to help you improve your relationship with the child you have.

I offer you a long way: first make friends with the child, get to know him well, earn his trust, and only then achieve something from him. It's a winding long road, but I'm sure that in parenting you can't take any shortcuts. And there is no need to cut short, because the process is no less important than the result. Trusting communication with children, daily joy from the very fact of their existence - this is life, this is happiness.

And one last thing. I don't know about you, but I like teenagers. So if you are expecting to hear something like “We were different,” then from me you will only hear “We were no better.”

Thanks everyone

This book appeared very quickly and unexpectedly for me. But the process of its formation actually began a long time ago, and a lot of people took part in it.

First of all, I am grateful to my mother, who can rightfully consider herself the producer of this project. She always believed in my writing abilities and it was her idea to put my theories and stories on the topic of raising teenagers on paper.

Many thanks not only to my mother, but also to my father, and my grandparents, for the fact that we grew up in an atmosphere of friendship and love, for the huge number of shared memories, for the fact that they are still the most beloved and desired company for us.

My parents, grandparents, sister Katya, sister's husband Tim and brother Petya were the very first readers of this book, and I am very grateful to them for their support and advice. Special thanks to Katya for valuable material for the third chapter. Thanks to my nieces Nina and Tanya for their friendship and trust, which are very dear to me.

Thanks to all my early readers for your quick feedback and valuable advice. I tried to take all this into account!

Thanks to the Alpina Non-Fiction publishing house, Pavel Podkosov and Anna Derkach for their interest in my manuscript. This is a blessing for a beginning writer, and it was a huge incentive when writing each chapter, each section. Special thanks to the leading editor Rosa Piskotina for supporting my first book and for the excellent careful processing of the text. I am grateful to a large number of parents: my friends, colleagues and acquaintances for talking about children, for the fact that I was lucky enough to observe their experiences, which provided serious material for reflection for this book. I am also grateful to a large number of teenagers - my daughter’s friends and the children of friends - for their positive attitude towards this project, and for the interesting communication that served as the basis for the second chapter.

Many thanks to my eldest daughter Natasha. For what she is. For her cheerful, life-loving character. For her childlike understanding and partnership in building our new life in Holland. For all our trips, joint activities and conversations. For the fact that I so often came to her room to read aloud to her the pages of this book that I had just written, and always received full attention and approval.

Finally, I would like to thank my youngest daughter Piali and husband Pranab for making our happy family. Without them and Natasha, my life and work would have no meaning. I am especially grateful to Pranab for his absolute support during the writing of the book. Because he tolerated disruptions in the household, allowed me to sleep in the morning if I wrote until late at night, and was always aware of what chapter I was writing and how I was progressing. Unfortunately, he does not know Russian, and will probably never be able to read a single line of what was written, except for this: thank you, dear.

Chapter 1
How not to scold them

Why you shouldn't scold

Do you believe in miracles? Me not. And you will probably agree with me that there is no easy money, that only cheese in a mousetrap is free, that it is not easy to take a fish out of a pond. That raising a teenager is a big responsibility and serious work, and like any job, parenting also requires work if we want to get results. If you agree with this “axiom”, then my “theorem” that scolding is useless has a very simple proof: scolding is useless because it is easy. It’s very easy to come home from work and reprimand your child for a bad grade and unwashed dishes. Easily. And the result is equal to the invested forces. Easy means useless! Well, maybe it’s not completely useless: they spoke out, relieved their exhausted soul. But it is at least naive to expect that from this day on the dishes will be washed and grades will improve.

And don’t think that the effect will increase if you scold more often. Zero plus zero is always zero. In addition, at some point the child will simply stop listening to your comments, and you will come to a stable situation where parents chronically argue, and children chronically do not pay attention to it. Personally, I am not a supporter of such stability, but I know many happy families who live this way, so I do not insist, the choice is yours. If you want to scold your children, scold them, that’s your right. I just want to say that if you are going to solve a specific problem, then scolding a child is the easiest way, and therefore the result is minimal. If you really want results, you need to give up criticism, even the most constructive, and look for other ways: yes, more difficult, but also more productive.

Criticism brings many unpleasant emotions to children. I have often heard parents explain to their teenagers that they scold them because they love them and care about them. Like, I won’t scold your girlfriends, because I don’t care about them. But I worry about you and therefore I must point out your mistakes. This is logic worthy of Cinderella’s stepmother: “But I love you more than my own daughters!” I never scold them, but just today I have already made five comments to you. I was simply knocked off my feet raising you!” This is an almost verbatim retelling of the words of the stepmother in the famous film of the 1950s. Yes, perhaps your Cinderella will eventually grow up to be a hard-working and sweet girl and marry a prince. But stepmother’s methods, even when performed by one’s own mother, remain stepmother’s methods, which have nothing to do with love!

It's amazing that many good parents, reasonable, caring and responsible, sincerely believe in the "I-scold-you-because-I-love" formula. But children do not believe in this formula, even if they outwardly agree with it. We don't like being criticized, and our children don't like it either. We will never believe that the boss who scolds us all the time actually respects us and treats us well. It’s the same with children and parents. Negative emotions caused by criticism do not motivate us or our children, but often, on the contrary, cause the exact opposite effect.

Conclusion? You need to scold children as little as possible. Constant criticism and comments are an unpleasant process that very upsets children, spoils their mood, poisons the joy of life and, moreover, does not lead to the desired results. And since problems still arise constantly, we must solve them differently.

There is a problem. Or maybe not?

Of course, we fight for a reason. There are enough problems with a teenager. And now I must move on to what I learned to a large extent from Dutch parents and which is so difficult to explain: many problems with teenage children can be solved simply by not considering them problems. I’ll quickly give examples before I get quartered.

A girl goes to school wearing Indian war paint on the warpath. As a mother, I don't like this. Even more. But honestly, is this a problem? She doesn’t force me to go to work like this. And he doesn't even ask for my approval. I can say once that this is not my type, but it’s not worth spoiling the relationship because of this. I make an effort, suppress the snide remarks on the tip of my tongue, wish her a good day and send her off to school. The same goes if she dyes her hair blue or only wears black. This is an appearance, this is temporary, it is not worth wasting your child’s strength and nerves.

The girl is a bad student. If this continues, her university studies will soon be in doubt. This is definitely a problem that needs to be addressed.

The boy does not play sports. If at the same time he is not interested in anything at all and plays on the computer all day, then this, of course, is a problem. But, in my opinion, if he has other hobbies and does not have health problems, then God is with him, with sports. You can offer something, but if he doesn’t want to, it’s okay. We must try to regularly organize active sports holidays and weekends, and when he gets older, he will do it himself.

The girl doesn't like to read books. Yes, it is a pity. But this is not a problem that we need to rush to solve. You need to get used to books earlier, now it’s too late. All that remains is to set a positive example, slip something in from time to time and hope that someday she will discover books for herself.

The boy has no hobbies at all. Perhaps this is a problem that needs to be addressed. But maybe there’s no need to rush, it’s enough to just follow your studies, limit TV and computer toys and introduce minimal sports. Teenagers sometimes need a lot of energy just to cope with their own rapid growth and development. In addition, if a boy has moved away from the hobbies once proposed by his parents, then he needs some time to understand what he himself wants. Not to mention, many people don't have any hobbies at all, and that's completely normal too.

The girl constantly goes to the cinema and each time with different boys. I think that's the problem with these boys. At least if it's limited to movies and kisses.

The boy does not communicate with his parents at all. He’s sitting in his room, with a “Do not enter!” sign on the door. Do you want to communicate with him? Then this is a problem, and it is possible and even not difficult to solve. I will write more about this in the second chapter.

Of course, this is very individual: what is considered a problem and what is not. For example, I cannot stand rudeness from children. This is a huge problem for me, and I cut down rudeness in the bud. But I know a family where a girl was endlessly rude to her parents, and they only half-heartedly laughed it off. They didn't see it as a problem. Their right. (By the way, the girl is now 16, and the rudeness has gone away by itself.)

I don’t know you and your child, and it’s not for me to decide what is a problem for you and what is not. I just urge you to look at your children once without critical glasses, but rather through rose-colored ones: look how wonderful the children are, how grown-up they are, interesting, beautiful, full of youth! We love them madly! Does our love depend on their clothes and even their grades? Do we really need them to be perfect? Aren’t we smart enough and don’t understand that it’s impossible to be perfect?! Yes, of course, they have a lot of shortcomings, just like us, just like everyone else. Yes, of course, we would like to fix all this for their own good. But you never know what we want! This is their life, their character. They also have the right to choose what they want to be. We must find the strength within ourselves and give them this opportunity. We should not rush into battle with a problem that is not worth it. It is much better not to consider this problem as such! Leave the child alone, allow him to be who he is. Believe me, children will appreciate this and respond with trust and tolerance to your problems and shortcomings.

Bast in line. My grandmother is very sick and watches a lot of TV. In one of the programs she saw an interview with a certain formerly famous actress (unfortunately, I don’t remember the name). So, when asked how to avoid loneliness, this wise elderly woman answered: “You don’t need to demand much from people. You need to lower the bar so you won't be alone." What I wrote about problems and non-problems is, in general, in the same spirit. Don't demand too much from teenage children! It’s already hard for them with their rampant hormones, rapidly growing bodies, and the cruel teenage society in which they live. We are parents, we are a safe haven, we are the only ones whose love is guaranteed to them under any circumstances. We must lower the bar and not demand too much. We have a responsibility to love them for who they are. If we don’t do this, then who can they count on?!

Believe it or not, I have just revealed to you the secret of Dutch happy childhood statistics. Dutch parents accept their children's shortcomings and problems with incredible ease. It’s hard for me to even think of what exactly Dutch parents would consider a problem that needs to be solved. For the most part, they don’t even consider bad grades a problem. They calmly transfer the child to vocational training and do not spoil the nerves. This is not suitable for Russia; they have a completely different education system. And frankly, I think Dutch parents are often unambitious almost to the point of absurdity. Nevertheless, there is something in the Dutch approach: you cannot squeeze results from children beyond their capabilities. Happiness has many components, and studying is only one of them, albeit a very important one. And the Dutch approach says: the main thing is that the child is happy, and the rest is nonsense. So, while maintaining Russian ambition, I suggest you still look at your children the way the Dutch do: the children are alive, healthy, and happy. What else do you need?

And the last argument in favor of not clinging to children without a serious reason. The same notorious story about a boy and wolves. If we make a problem out of any trifle, then the children will get used to the fact that we won’t please us anyway, and at the moment when a real problem arises, they simply won’t believe and won’t understand that this time the matter is really serious. But when a child is sure that they will not find fault with him needlessly, then you have a much greater chance that at a difficult moment he will listen to your criticism. Be kind to your teenager's character. Find the strength in yourself to accept his minor weaknesses, do not scold him for his extravagant appearance, and when some grandmother comes at you, calmly answer: “Come on, he (she) likes it that way, let him do what he wants.” Believe me, the child will be very grateful to you. He will have the feeling that his parents are always on his side, that they will not scare him with wolves in vain. And this confidence will help you to effectively and without scandals show your parental care when it is really needed.

3 book features:
— Experts are the best psychologists!
— The most pressing and important topics
— Examples from life

All books in the “Making Our Children Happy” series are helpers for parents. Don’t know what to do, how to negotiate with your children? Ask the best psychologists and teachers - Yulia Gippenreiter, Svetlana Krivtsova, Irina Mlodik, Lyudmila Petranovskaya, Anna Skavitina...
“Teenagers” is an expanded edition of the bestseller, which for 5 years has been helping parents build normal relationships with their adult children. Here are the best articles from Psychologies magazine over the 10 years of its existence in Russia. There are useful and very clear tips here. Here are all the topics, all the problems that mothers and fathers of teenagers face. There is everything here to ensure that you enjoy communicating with your children, so that parenting ceases to be stressful.

What this book will teach you:
— Listen to your children
- hear your...

Reviews from readers “Teenagers. Make our children happy":

User Vladimir Martynov writes:

Myths are presented with distorted meanings.
The cause-and-effect relationship of the narrative is broken.
For example: “he was born weak and lame, so his mother threw him off Olympus.” What will remain in the child’s head after this? Error - the gods of Olympus are called kings. There is no point in listing the inaccuracies further. After reading one or two pages, we realized that we would not continue reading this publication.
The book was disappointing and we won't read it.

I remembered how a few years ago my classmate, talking about her teenage son, exclaimed in her hearts: “Well, when will this goat age end?!” Adolescence scares many parents. They are used to blaming everything on him: loss of mutual understanding with their child, changes in his behavior, health problems that appeared out of nowhere... If your child is a teenager, if you are worried about the changes that this age has brought, then this book is for you ! I bought it after a younger colleague suddenly started telling me how I was doing things wrong in my relationship with my daughter. On the one hand, this hurt me, but on the other... Of the two ways - to be offended or to think, I chose the one that is constructive. I've been eyeing this series of books for a long time - a joint project of the publishing house "CLEVER" and the magazine "PSYCHOLOGES". The book turned out to be unexpectedly small in format - it will fit into almost any handbag. It’s easy and quick to read: the authors seem to enter into a dialogue with the reader, pointing out to him the most important problems of adolescence (at times I wanted to exclaim: “How do they know what’s going on in our family?!” And the design of the book with handwritten drawings seems to encourage us to make fun of ourselves, to make it easier to relate to some phenomena in our lives.

From the first pages you understand that you just want to tear apart the book for quotes. Here are just a few of them.

Teenagers are magnifying mirrors of the weaknesses of their own parents.

Now I constantly try to remind myself when I feel anxious, angry, or powerless: "She's just like me". And you know: it helps! Although, to be honest, this recognition is not always pleasant for oneself.

Children also need space for achievement (“task with an asterisk”, a complicated, unusual experience that requires exertion of mental and spiritual strength).

I think there are enough educators who intuitively or consciously challenge their students. And together with them they rejoice, seeing that the challenge has been accepted, experiencing this new difficult experience together. But how often do parent teachers use this technique with their teenage children? I am not sure...

...a teenager slows down the rhythm of his activities or simply goes on strike: he lies in bed, sits in front of the computer for hours... This irritates us and throws us off balance. Maybe because we are a little jealous of his carelessness and indifference to the rules?<...>Over the years, the passage of time becomes more and more acutely perceived: the less of it remains, the more benefits we want to get from it. A teenager is in no hurry; he has his whole life ahead of him.

Cool! I have never looked at situations like this from this angle. But, looking from the outside at myself, at my friends and their teenage children, I became convinced of the correctness of this view. There are many examples when people in adulthood suddenly begin to intensively engage in their education and self-education, change their field of activity, place of residence, devote a lot of energy to their hobbies, in general, are constantly busy with something. In the struggle for the comfort of our living conditions, we increase its speed.

It’s better to ask yourself in advance, without waiting for the storm to hit: Am I expecting too much from my child? Am I using it to fill my emotional life?

Very reasonable. The parents of today's teenagers themselves grew up in times of not only a shortage of material goods, but also relatively more limited opportunities. Having become parents, they try to give their children what they themselves were deprived of in childhood. In itself, it seems like a good aspiration. However, it often gives rise to parental demands on the child. They can be related to the teenager’s studies, sports or other activities, his attitude towards his parents, etc. Hence the following quote:

...it’s time for parents of a teenager to abandon the idea of merging an adult and a child, to stop projecting themselves onto his developing personality. In a relationship with him, you need to look for the right distance and not consider yourself the cause (and culprit) of all your child’s difficulties.

I can't even do it here "kill the subject person in you": I remember how in class I analyzed the stages of socialization of the individual, the processes that occur during the transition from the stage of adaptation to the stage of individualization (precisely adolescence), as well as the reasons for the changes that occur.

The book gives parents self-confidence. Many of the situations described in it are very recognizable. But, if earlier they caused concern for me as the parent of a teenager, since they were a violation of the usual order of things, now I look at some things with a smile.

What is attractive about the book is that the authors (a team of psychologists, psychotherapists, sexologists) initially hold parents responsible for how a teenager will emerge from this crisis age. This is very relevant: as a teacher, I constantly observe a situation where parents blame anyone for the difficulties of the transition period: school, their child’s friends, the media, the Internet, etc. - just not themselves. If a teenager is no longer a child, but not yet an adult, then in this shifting of responsibility one sees a lack of adulthood on the part of the parents themselves. It is no coincidence that the first advice that the authors of the book give to parents is to grow up. Grow up yourself, get to know yourself, allow yourself to be imperfect. And only after this, on the one hand, understand that any experience of growing up is unique, but on the other hand, be able to show firmness where necessary.

At the end of the book there is a list of literature for parents of teenagers (I took note of several books) and a list of useful telephone numbers.

“Make Our Children Happy” is a series of small books dedicated to raising children from 3 to 16 years old. They contain practical advice for parents for all occasions: how to feed a child, how to put a child to bed, cope with hysterics and whims, discuss difficult issues and break up, communicate and accept.

I am very skeptical about thin books on psychology and rarely buy them, but for this series I made an exception. Firstly, it attracted a very impressive list of experts who participated in the preparation of the books. Secondly, I liked the quality of the publication, and with “” it is always at its best: a convenient format, a well-thought-out structure, the material is easy to digest, and the books are pleasant to hold in your hands. And thirdly, the books do not pretend to be comprehensive; each of them is devoted to only one specific topic or age period. So, in the end, the information given on 100-150 pages turns out to be much more than in one chapter in a thick and serious work on education.

But we still need to clarify that the book will be interesting and useful for parents who are just beginning to become interested in literature on child psychology. All the information in the books is given simply and accessible, the content is divided by age and topic. The authors try to analyze specific situations and give relevant advice and feasible recommendations.

But for parents who are already familiar with such literature and are interested in issues of education, the series will seem superficial, and the information given in it is not new.

If I’m not mistaken, a total of 10 books were published in the “Make Our Children Happy” series. Three of them are devoted to general issues of education and are divided by age:

— “Preschoolers 3-6 years old”

— “Primary school 6-10 years old”

— “Teenagers 11-16 years old”

Five other books offer tips and tricks for specific issues and situations:

- “We eat with appetite!”

— “Your Child’s Dream”

— “Difficulties of growing up” (about children's independence)

— “Whims and tantrums: how to deal with children’s anger”

— “Independent Moms” (for moms (and dads) raising children on their own)

And two more books are devoted to discussing serious and difficult issues with children:

— “We talk to children about life and freedom”

— “Children’s Difficult Questions About People and Relationships”

I’ll tell you in more detail about the books in the series that I have already read.

In my opinion, the book is very strangely divided into chapters: all the topics are mixed up, and there is no specific sequence. This makes the chapters a little difficult to navigate. The topics themselves are also very heterogeneous in content. Some issues are discussed in detail with specific advice, while some topics contain a lot of water and general discussions.

For example, the book discusses very narrow problems and questions:

- the child does not want to sleep separately

- asks for a dog

- talking to an imaginary friend

- influence and harm of TV, etc.

And very large and controversial topics are touched upon:

- the role of the father in raising children

- differences in the upbringing of girls and boys

Of course, such broad topics cannot be covered in 2-3 pages, so these chapters turned out to be too superficial, the authors got off with general words.

But the book also contains specific advice and brief but informative expert opinions:

- how to break bad news

— should a child be allowed to use a computer, at what age, how many hours a day?

— how to instill a love of reading, etc.

“Make our children happy. Let's eat with gusto! Tips and tricks for every day"

What this book is about is clear from the title. All information is divided into three large sections: from one year to 3 years, from 3 to 6 years and from 6 to 10 years. Each section describes the age-specific dietary habits and whims of children and provides specific advice and instructions.

The book is written in the format of examples and real-life situations, which are immediately analyzed, and readers are offered solutions:

- how to stop a child from jumping up from the table

- how to encourage independence at the table

- how to arouse appetite and shape taste

- what are the right snacks?

- to give or not to give sweets

- how to teach a child to love vegetables

— how to make a child’s diet balanced

- what eating habits are truly harmful?

Here are just a few of the issues raised in the book.

Each chapter also contains tricks that will make life easier for parents of little (and big) picky kids.

But the main idea of the book is to teach a child to enjoy food shared with people dear to him, and to turn the process of “feeding a child” into a “family meal.”

“Make our children happy. Difficulties of growing up" helping a child to believe in himself"

This book is dedicated to the issues of independence and safety of our children. How can parents learn to combine incompatible things - to allow their child to be independent, but at the same time to always be there in difficult times? How to ensure safety, but not suppress children's initiative and determination? How to recognize children's right to make mistakes? How to teach them to be independent? The authors of this book tried to answer all these questions.

Like other books in the series, “The Difficulties of Growing Up” is divided by age, and information is given in the form of situations and conflicts from life and ways to solve them. Parents are advised how to behave, how and what to say, and what NOT to say under any circumstances.

In the section “from 1 year to 3 years” they offer ways to protect the vigorous activity of fidgets and not suppress their curiosity, how to inspire timid kids to act independently and how to help children endure their first short separations.

The section “from 3 to 6 years old” examines situations in kindergarten, relationships with brothers and sisters, and provides safety tips.

And in the section “from 6 to 10 years old” there are various situations from school life, trips to camp, as well as everyday situations when children are left to their own devices (alone at home, on the way from school, on a walk).

“Make our children happy. Primary school 6-10 years old"

The book is mainly devoted to problems related to school: grades and performance, homework, relationships with classmates and teachers.

Some difficult situations are discussed in detail: a child is teased, they don’t want to be friends with him, he is too timid or, conversely, very aggressive.

The book examines common parental mistakes:

- comparison of the child with other children

- parents are overly concerned about grades

- pressure on the child

- relationships between parents and teachers

- parents’ feelings of guilt, etc.

Separate chapters are devoted to doing homework, pocket money, watching TV and playing computer games.

And, of course, the book talks a lot about love, acceptance and trust, about childhood dreams and freedom.

Nellie Litvak Our good teenagers