Doesn't want to walk on his own. What to do if a child does not want to go to kindergarten - Yulia Vasilkina

Babies take their first steps at 12 months. However, there are exceptions. A child may not walk a year for various reasons. Let's list some of them.

Why doesn't a one-year-old child walk?

If a child does not walk, but sits well, crawls or can stand on his feet, there is no reason to worry. Walk with him holding his hand, he is probably just afraid to take the first step. Keep an eye on him, sometimes after several falls the baby loses the desire to walk on his own. Daily training and your support are important here.

A child may not walk independently for a year due to psychological unpreparedness.

The environment and his character influence the baby. Lazy or quiet children are in no hurry to take their first steps. Due to their nature, little fidgets begin to walk the fastest.

If the child does not want to walk and does not try to sit or crawl at all, consult a doctor. The following reasons are identified:

• genetic predisposition;
• weak muscles;
• undeveloped musculoskeletal system;
• hypoxia or damage to brain cells;
• poor nutrition.

With weak leg muscles, the child relies more on his hands when standing up. With an undeveloped musculoskeletal system, the baby sits crookedly, because it is difficult for him to maintain balance. Hypoxia develops during pregnancy. A woman, as a rule, learns about it before the birth of her child.

What to do if a child walks poorly or does not want to walk

Go for a consultation with a doctor. In addition to the examination, you will need to take tests and undergo a full examination. Once the diagnosis is made, treatment is prescribed.

To help your baby start walking faster:

1. Get a foot massage, or better yet, trust a professional massage therapist. Swimming will help strengthen muscles and increase their tone.
2. Help your child stand up by holding onto a sofa or chair. Praise him and ask him to repeat the same thing, but this time on his own.
3. Take your child by the hands and walk around the room with him. First, hold him tightly with both hands, then with one. After a couple of sessions, hold only the finger, and then release it.
4. Place your baby close to you and open your arms for a hug. Don't yell at him, but on the contrary, smile and call him to you. Don't forget about praise.

Little tricks will come in handy for motivation. Collect toys from the floor and place them on the sofa, ask your baby to get them for you. The child can be helped for the first time.

Stop using walkers. The child quickly gets used to them and has a hard time weaning off them.

"No! I don’t want to, I won’t go!” – you and your neighbors hear this heartbreaking cry in the morning. The child is going to kindergarten... Every time you are overwhelmed by conflicting feelings - from pity for the baby to anger at him. You use all possible methods of influence and, and, realizing that he has no other choice, he goes to kindergarten. But the next day the “war” continues. So what - live like this until school? Of course not.
Psychologist Yulia Vasilkina gives clear, simple and effective advice that will help “accustom” both a novice child and an experienced obstinate child to kindergarten. You will find 5 stories from the author’s practice, illustrating the 5 main reasons for a child’s reluctance to go to kindergarten, mini-tests that will help more accurately determine “your” cause of the problem, and recommendations for solving it as quickly as possible.

Introduction

We all love our children, but sometimes we don’t understand what’s happening to them. Why doesn’t a child want something that we consider for him... well, if not a benefit, then certainly a necessity? And he resists with all his might: he cries, sulks, resists as hard as he can.

Or he simply gets sick, and the question disappears by itself. What question? Should he go to kindergarten or not? What if for parents this is not a question at all? In the sense that they need to work, which means he has to go to kindergarten. But even if the baby walks, he doesn’t feel joy. But every parent wants to see their child happy and calm!

Here is another book in the “What to do if a child...” series, where we discuss many problems. After all, being a parent is real work. But, despite the fact that each child is unique, similar problems have similar solutions. And our topic today is “What to do if a child does not want to go to kindergarten.” Let's try to figure it out!

Problem: I don’t want to and won’t go!

"No! Nope! I will not go!" – you and your neighbors hear this heartbreaking scream at about 7 o’clock in the morning every weekday. The reason is banal - the child does not want to go to kindergarten. He stubbornly refuses to wake up, pretending that his sleep is so deep that even if a cannon fires, he won’t hear. Waking up, he decides to cry in order to pity you. Then, realizing that she still has to go to kindergarten, she just can’t get to the bathroom (put on tights, find a toy, choose a dress, fasten her shoes - highlight what’s necessary). But you have to go to work! You are late! Yes, him too. You get ready with grief, run, hand the child to the teacher and exhale outside the door - that’s it, you can go to work.

Sometimes painful scenes begin in the evening. “Mom, are you going to kindergarten tomorrow?” - "Yes". - “Can I not go?” Here, depending on the mood of the parents and their pedagogical position, options are possible from “Well, be patient, Friday is coming” (even if the conversation is on Monday) to “Don’t start here! I’m going to work, and you’re going to kindergarten!!!” Both morning and evening scenes are repeated day after day, exhausting both parents and children.

In the book “What to do if a child does not want to go to kindergarten” you will find 5 case studies illustrating the 5 main reasons for a child’s reluctance to attend kindergarten. As in other books in this series, you are offered mini-tests that will help you more accurately determine the cause of the problem, as well as recommendations for solving it as quickly as possible. After all, this is exactly what we strive for?

We also need to define the terms. Some children are raised by both parents, some have only a mother or father, some live with a stepfather or stepmother, and some end up in foster care. To avoid confusion, in the book I will call all adults “parents,” sometimes “mom” and “dad,” meaning that they may not be related to the child by blood. After all, the reason for which they are next to him hardly changes depending on the “blood relationship”.

It’s painful for you to see a child sad because he has to go where he doesn’t want to go. And you understand it perfectly: in their adult life, everyone has probably been in a situation when they need, but don’t want to, go to a boring job or an uninteresting study. But you are also sure: there is no other way out, and he will have to go to kindergarten.

We hope that you will get answers to your questions and help your child, if not to love kindergarten, then to treat it calmly. Having experience working with children and their parents, I am sure that in most cases parents can cope with this problem themselves. You just need to understand the reasons, and then make an effort and help the child.

1. What is a kindergarten

Kindergartens: good and different

When we say “kindergarten,” what picture comes to mind? Flowering trees, flower beds and fountains? Perhaps this is the case for some. But the majority will imagine something else: many children in one room under the supervision of a teacher and nanny. Even 15–20 years ago the question “Which kindergarten should I send my child to?” meant: “Which of the public gardens in our area is better?” Because they were all more or less the same. The same “norms”, nutrition, regime, requirements. They went, as they say, “to the teacher” if word of mouth conveyed that this woman did not harm children. There are certainly more choices now. There are both public and private gardens - for almost every taste and budget.

State kindergarten(DBOU – preschool budgetary educational institution). This is an ordinary kindergarten, which is located next to the house. Teachers receive a salary from the state, and you pay a monthly receipt, which indicates an amount that is quite feasible for the family budget. As a rule, it operates from 7.00 to 19.00, but you can find gardens with groups from 8.00 to 20.00. Each group contains up to 25 children of the same age. Two teachers who work in shifts (sometimes alone, from morning to evening), and a junior teacher (nanny). The food in all state kindergartens is the same, and there is no point in looking for better food. There is a clear regime with a long quiet hour (usually from 13.00 to 15.00), which even children from preparatory groups, many of whom no longer need daytime sleep, cannot avoid. The remaining points of the regime are also not discussed. If you have to, then you have to, and do it together with everyone else. Children are engaged in modeling, drawing, developing speech, learning to understand the world around them, and giving basic logical and mathematical concepts. For a separate amount, English, in-depth aesthetic development, rhythm, preparation for school and some other classes can be offered. Psychologists now work in almost all state kindergartens.

Correctional kindergarten. Also state-owned, but it accepts children suffering from any disease. There are speech therapy gardens; psycho-neurological; for children with diseases of the musculoskeletal system; with visual and hearing impairments, etc. I had to communicate with parents of healthy children who wanted their child to attend such a kindergarten, and were even ready to give whoever needed a “lamb in a piece of paper.” Because there are smaller groups, better specialists, and better nutrition. Yes, that's right. But you need to understand that a healthy child can take the place of someone who really needs specialized help. If this argument does not work, you should think that keeping a healthy child in a group of children with special needs is a good step, but not for the child himself. In this case, he has nowhere to “reach out”; he is a standard for other children. What does develop is tolerance. It must be taken into account that the regime, toys, and even lighting conditions are designed for children with special physiological conditions.

Private kindergarten. As a rule, it works in the premises of a regular kindergarten or on the basis of a development center. Groups may be smaller in size than in public gardens, but not always. Payment depends on the cost of rent, the number of teachers in the group (2 or 3) and additional classes. If a child gets sick, parents still pay the full amount for the month.

A humane and attentive attitude towards each child and the creation of a favorable environment for his development and psychological well-being are proclaimed. This task is being solved with varying degrees of success (in some places it is only declared, so you should not blindly believe the words). The schedule is the same as in a regular kindergarten, but more flexible: you can come later, agree to stay at home for a few days without a doctor’s certificate. Caregivers do not always insist on naps during the day, keeping children occupied who do not need it. As a rule, such gardens offer many interesting activities. Some, but not all, follow the Montessori system.

Private “home” kindergarten. Most often it is located in an ordinary apartment, converted for children. Designed for 3–6 children. There is no need to talk about the official status of the kindergarten: this form cannot be legalized due to strict sanitary and epidemiological standards, compliance with which is simply impossible in the apartment. Walks - on the street near the house. Opportunities for physical education and music are limited due to the small space. As for educators and other teachers, it varies. This could be one permanent teacher, paired with a nanny, who is also a cook. A psychologist and other teachers can come to work with children. Sometimes such gardens do not provide for daytime sleep due to the impossibility of providing sleeping areas. And the cost is comparable to private kindergartens. One of the advantages is the possibility of a truly individual approach to each child. If you decide to send your child to a home kindergarten, find out everything in detail.

Regardless of the type of kindergarten, a child can be both comfortable there and unbearable - to the point of “I won’t go there again!” Of course, in a private garden that cares about its reputation, this is less likely. And parents feel the right to demand that their child be treated with care. To be fair, it is worth noting that in state kindergartens a lot is now being done to ensure that children feel comfortable and parents do not worry.

Why do we need kindergarten: 7 reasons

Some parents and grandmothers doubt whether kindergarten is necessary. Infections “live” there, not all children are friendly, and questions arise about the teachers: will they offend? But we still need kindergarten. And not only for the child, but for the family as a whole! It is there that the baby acquires such important skills for his socialization.

Reason #1: Learns to communicate with other children. Do you think it's easy? Children who did not attend kindergartens stand out among their classmates, at least in the first year of study. Communicating with peers, the child finds himself in different situations and learns to behave accordingly: how to cope with resentment or anger, defend his interests, how to be friends and how to get along peacefully with those who are unpleasant to you. He overcomes natural egocentrism, getting used to thinking not only in terms of “I” and “mine,” but also “we” and “ours.” A schoolchild who has no experience of “kindergarten” life begins to acquire interaction skills only at the age of 7, since no school preparation courses offer such communication as in kindergarten. And from the age of 4, a child has such a strong impulse to communicate that it is hardly possible to satisfy it in the half-empty playgrounds near the house.

Reason No. 2: Comprehends the norms of social life. The child learns what is good and what is bad not only from his own experience, but also by observing the behavior of other children. He has the opportunity to really observe a lot, compare, and decide whether something is worth trying himself, already knowing the adult’s reaction. It is very important that this is not a reaction from one’s own family, but from an outsider who conveys general rules, norms and traditions.

Reason No. 3: Learns to recognize the authority of a “stranger” adult. This is important for later life, where there will be many teachers, then teachers at the institute, managers and bosses. Of course, every parent wants to think that their child will become a “big boss” himself. But this will not happen immediately. To begin with, you will have to gain a lot of experience in subordination, which will help you become a wise leader in the future. And the easiest time to accept the authority of a stranger is in preschool childhood.

Reason #4: Develops as a person. Of course, the child also develops at home, with his grandmother, mother or nanny. But the fact is that for a person another person is a “mirror”: the behavior of one evokes a response from the other. And if there are a lot of “mirrors” (as in a kindergarten group), development occurs faster. Close people often forgive what strangers will not forgive. And it would be good for the child to understand this as early as possible.

Reason #5: Gains knowledge and experience. If you have chosen a good kindergarten with qualified teachers, you can be sure that the child will receive the basics of musical knowledge, become more dexterous through physical education and rhythm classes, learn a lot about the world around him, and gain an understanding of the cultural values ​​of our country (books, folk art, musical works, etc.), prepare for school. From a certain age, staying at home around the clock with one or more adults ceases to be a benefit for the child also because these adults are unlikely to be certified specialists in these areas. And even if so, this is the exception rather than the rule.

Reason #6: Becomes more independent. In kindergarten, children learn self-care skills much faster than at home. Dressing, undressing, washing your hands, cleaning up after yourself, eating - all these are basic skills that, with home education, are developed later and at the expense of a large number of adult nerve cells. In the kindergarten, teachers, firstly, do not doubt the child’s capabilities. Secondly, he reaches out for other children, not wanting to fall behind. And thirdly, educators lack time and energy, and they do not have the opportunity to “serve” every child. Therefore, there are fewer whims, and skills develop faster.

Reason #7: It's important for the family. Parents of a child attending kindergarten can work. And if no questions arise about the fathers of the family, then mothers often say that they are too tired of everyday life and want to develop professionally as well.

When is it time to go to kindergarten?

Some parents are ready to send their 1.5-year-old baby to kindergarten, while others wait until they are 6 years old. And since we have already determined that kindergarten is a good thing, we need to understand when it is better for a child to start attending it. This largely determines whether he will be happy to go there or whether he will have to be pulled “with a lasso.”

Is it worth sending two-year-olds to kindergarten? My answer: only if necessity. What “necessity” is is determined by the parents themselves. Some people need to go to work, while others are so tired of everyday life that they want to carve out a few quiet hours for themselves and housekeeping.

Adaptation at 2 years old is not easy. The child and his parents are waiting for several weeks, filled with morning crying and shouts: “I don’t want to go to kindergarten.” Babies often get sick during the first year, and this should be taken into account when talking with employers.

At 3 years old, a child experiences a developmental crisis, which is called the “three-year crisis.” And although three-year-olds get used to kindergarten faster than two-year-olds, the crisis complicates adaptation. But in general, 3 years is a good time to start attending kindergarten.

And the optimal age, according to my observations, is 4 years. For several reasons. Firstly, the child’s speech is already mature enough both to perceive the words of adults and to express his desires. At 2–3 years old, children cry a lot precisely because they are not very well aware of their feelings, and even cannot talk about them. Secondly, a four-year-old baby is emotionally stable and balanced, which helps him adapt. Thirdly, the age from 4 to 5 years is a period of active assimilation of rules, especially “social” ones associated with correct behavior. The child is completely ready for this and does not accept them with hostility, as, for example, at 3–3.5 years old. Fourthly, the baby is already drawn to peers, wants to communicate, play together and be friends. And this need can be fully satisfied in kindergarten. Fifthly, a child who comes to a children’s group at the age of 4 is quite capable of easily joining it, finding “his” place, even if the other children have known each other literally since the nursery group. At 5–6 years old this is somewhat more difficult to do.

SOS! He doesn't want to go to kindergarten!

So, your child doesn't want to go to kindergarten. We will discuss the reasons below in the next part, which will be filled with examples and recommendations. But how exactly can reluctance manifest itself? Sometimes it is so disguised that you don’t immediately understand whether it is it.

...trying to persuade parent. He looks for arguments from “I’m sick, cough, cough” to “grandmother is bored at home without me.” He tries to find out whether mom really goes to work, and if he finds out that she doesn’t, then he intensifies his attack.

...actively resists. The child screams and cries: “I won’t go to kindergarten! Don't want!" More often this happens in the morning, sometimes in the evening. The situation is quite definite for both the child and the parents, from whom some action is required.

…draws out the morning ritual. Either it is impossible to wake him up, or he is capricious, not wanting to get up, wash, or get dressed. He “loses” his clothes and shoes, soars somewhere in the clouds, driving you to white heat. If you ask him if he wants to go to kindergarten, he will probably answer “no.”

But working parents cannot afford this question, because they still need to go.

...his behavior changes. He used to be cheerful and optimistic, but now you notice that he has become more withdrawn, smiles less and is often sad. There may be many reasons for such changes besides attending kindergarten, but be careful!

...doesn't want to talk about the kindergarten. You cannot get from him what he did today, what he ate, how he slept, or who he was friends with. He doesn’t talk about anything, as if kindergarten simply does not exist in his life, as if he wants to completely escape from even thinking about it.

...constantly complains. The child tells, but all the stories have a negative connotation: one offended him, the second hit him, the third hurt him, the fourth didn’t take him to the game, and the teacher swore. Judging by his stories, nothing good happens to him at all in kindergarten!

...gets sick a lot. Frequent ARVI indicates low reserve capabilities of the body. But our body and psyche are part of the same system. If a child does not want to go to kindergarten, the body “helps” him: it does not fight infections, as this will allow him to get the necessary respite and be at home with his beloved mother.

Sometimes all these signs appear together, sometimes in different combinations. But they are all worth thinking about. Why doesn’t he want to go to kindergarten and how can you help him? Under no circumstances should the problem be ignored.

Don't rush to refuse

Faced with a child’s reluctance to go to kindergarten, parents ask the question: “What to do?” There are several options. You can refuse kindergarten and, forgetting about your career, sit at home with him. You can sacrifice your grandmother's job if she agrees to it. You can hire a nanny, which is not cheap.

But running away in this case is not the best strategy. It is much more effective to understand the reasons for such a child’s attitude towards kindergarten.

Perhaps he just hasn't adapted yet. Or there are problems in the relationship with the teacher. In this case, you can move to another group or change kindergarten. It happens that a child has too strong a connection with home and parents, which prevents him from going out into the world. Then the period of “separation” will be difficult, but refusal from kindergarten will only aggravate the personal problem.

I am convinced that in most cases parents are able to help their child. Sometimes on your own, and sometimes with the help of a psychologist who will help you find guidelines. Kindergarten is a good experience for your entire future life and is worth trying to overcome temporary difficulties.

2. Let's understand the reasons

In my practical work, I have more than once encountered the reluctance of children to attend kindergarten. But, even if a child loves to go there, he will never refuse to spend time at home if he is given a choice.

Most children love home and their parents very much. And no matter how wonderful the kindergarten is, they still will not “change” what is truly dear to them.

This situation should not be confused with a reluctance to attend kindergarten. And now - to the true reasons and stories from practice!

Story one: Nastenka, or First time in kindergarten

When Nastya, who recently turned three years old, came to kindergarten for the first time, her mother Oksana could not be happier. My daughter demanded that she be undressed quickly and ran to the group to look at new toys. Mom said to Nastya: “Bye, daughter!”, but the girl didn’t even hear, she was so busy. When her mother came for her two hours later, Nastya was playing calmly, and it seemed that she didn’t even want to leave. The next day, Oksana did not expect any problems, believing that the girl got used to it right away. But it was not there! My daughter put up a real fight in the locker room, did not allow herself to be undressed, cried and asked her mother: “Don’t leave!” She resisted and did not want to enter the group until the teacher came to the rescue and took the girl in her arms. Oksana left in a completely different mood than yesterday. When she came to pick up her daughter, she found her with tear-stained eyes. It turned out that Nastya sat in the corner the whole time, didn’t eat anything and didn’t even go near the toys. Oksana wondered: was her decision to send her child to kindergarten right and would Nastya be able to get used to it? The next few days became a nightmare for everyone: in the morning the baby resisted and cried, and the mother’s eyes were also “wet.” Once again, having taken her daughter to the group, Oksana decided to go to a psychologist to find out: maybe Nastya is a “non-Sadov” child?

Reason: Adaptation syndrome

The situation described in this story is very, very typical. Many mothers, bringing their children to kindergarten for the first time, are surprised at how easily they enter the group and part with their parents. But the following days show that not everything is so simple, and the baby is very worried. Of course, there are children who cry from day one. There are also children who really do not cry and happily run to the group both on the first and subsequent days. But there are very few of them. For others, the adaptation process is not at all easy.

Adaptation is the body’s adaptation to changing external conditions. This process requires a lot of mental energy and often takes place with tension, or even overstrain of the mental and physical forces of the body.

It is very difficult for children of any age to start attending kindergarten, because everything changes dramatically. The following changes literally burst into the usual, established life:

● clear daily routine;

● absence of relatives nearby;

● the need for constant contact with peers;

● the need to obey and obey a previously unfamiliar person;

● a sharp decrease in personal attention.

At first, the child’s behavior frightens the parents so much that they wonder: will he be able to get used to it? Will this “horror” ever end? We can say with confidence: those behavioral features that are very worrying for parents are typical for all children during the adaptation period. At this time, almost all mothers think that it is their child who is “non-kindergarten,” and the rest of the kids supposedly feel better. But that's not true. Here are common changes in a child's behavior during the adaptation period.

1. Emotions. In the first days of being in kindergarten, negative emotions are much more pronounced: from whining “for company” to constant paroxysmal crying. The longest-lasting whine is the one with which the child seeks to protest against separation from his family. Particularly striking are the manifestations of fear (the baby is clearly afraid to go to kindergarten, is afraid of the teacher or that his mother will not return for him), anger (when he breaks out, not allowing himself to be undressed, and can even hit an adult who is about to leave him), depressive reactions (“frozenness”, “lethargy”, as if there were no emotions at all). At first, the child experiences few positive emotions. He is very upset about parting with his mother and his familiar environment. If he smiles, it is mainly a reaction to novelty or to a bright stimulus (an unusual toy, “animated” by an adult, a fun game). Be patient! Negative emotions will certainly be replaced by positive ones, indicating the end of the adaptation period. But a child may cry for a long time when parting, and this does not mean that adaptation is going badly. If the child calms down within a few minutes after the mother leaves, then everything is fine.

2. Contacts with peers and teacher. The child's social activity decreases. Even sociable, optimistic children become tense, withdrawn, and restless. It must be remembered that children 2–3 years old do not play together, but nearby. They have not yet developed story-based play that involves multiple children. At this age, they are best at such “games” as squealing together, running around, and repeating stereotypical actions one after another. Therefore, do not be upset if your child does not communicate with other children yet. Successful adaptation can be judged by the fact that the child interacts more and more willingly with the teacher in the group, responds to his requests, and follows routine moments. He begins to explore the space of the group and play with toys. Communication with other children, however, may not appear for a long time, and this is the norm for children under 3 years old.

3. Cognitive activity. At first, cognitive activity is reduced or completely absent due to stress reactions. Sometimes the child is not even interested in toys. Many people need to sit on the sidelines to orient themselves to their surroundings. Gradually, “outings” to toys and other children will become more frequent and bold. In the process of successful adaptation, the child begins to be interested in what is happening and ask questions to the teacher.

4. Skills. Under the influence of new external influences, the baby may for a short time“lose” self-care skills (the ability to use a spoon, handkerchief, pot, etc.). The success of adaptation is determined by the fact that the child not only “remembers” what was forgotten, but you notice new achievements with surprise and joy.

5. Features of speech. Some children's vocabulary becomes smaller or “lighter” words and sentences appear. Don't worry! Speech will be restored and enriched when adaptation is completed.

6. Physical activity. It rarely stays the same. Some children become “inhibited”, and some become uncontrollably active. It depends on the child's temperament. A good sign is the restoration of normal activity at home, and then in the kindergarten.

7. Dream. If a child is left to nap during the day, he will have difficulty falling asleep during the first few days. The baby may jump up (“Vanka-Vstanka”) or, having fallen asleep, soon wake up crying. At home, you may experience restless daytime and nighttime sleep. By the time adaptation is completed, sleep both at home and in the garden will certainly return to normal.

8. Appetite. At first there may be a decreased appetite. This is due to unusual food (both the appearance and taste are unusual), as well as stress reactions - the baby simply does not want to eat. Even slight weight loss is considered normal. A good sign is the restoration of appetite. The baby may not eat everything on the plate, but he begins to eat. By the end of the adaptation period, weight is restored and then only increases.

9. Health. The body's resistance to infections decreases, and the child gets sick in the first month (or even earlier) of visiting kindergarten. However, the disease usually proceeds without complications.

Of course, many mothers expect that the negative aspects of the child’s behavior and reactions will disappear in the very first days. And they get upset or even angry when this doesn’t happen. Usually adaptation takes 3–4 weeks, or even lasts for 3–4 months. Take your time, not all at once!

Mini-test: Adaptation and “I don’t want to go to kindergarten!”

Let's summarize. The more times you said “true,” the more likely it is that the reason for the child’s reluctance to go to kindergarten is adaptation syndrome, and not at all “evil” teachers or his unwillingness to join the team. Gradually you will be able to overcome everything!

How can mom help?

Every mother, seeing how difficult it is for her child, wants to help him adapt faster. And that is great. The set of measures consists of creating a favorable environment at home that is gentle on the baby’s nervous system, which is already working at full capacity.

1. In the presence of your child, always speak positively about the teachers and the kindergarten. Even if you didn't like something. The child will have to go to this kindergarten and this group, which means he needs to develop a positive attitude. Tell someone in the presence of the baby what a good kindergarten he now goes to and how wonderful “Aunt Valya” and “Aunt Tanya” work there.

2. On weekends, do not change your daily routine. You can let him sleep a little longer, but you shouldn’t let him “sleep it off.” If your child needs to “sleep off”, it means that your sleep schedule is not organized correctly, perhaps he goes to bed too late in the evening.

3. Don't wean your child off bad habits(for example, from a pacifier) ​​during the adaptation period, so as not to overload his nervous system. There are too many changes in his life now, and there is no need for unnecessary stress.

4. Try to create a calm, conflict-free environment at home. Hug your child more often, pat him on the head, say kind words. Celebrate his successes and improvements in behavior. Praise more than scold. He needs your support now!

5. Be more tolerant of whims. They arise due to overload of the nervous system. Hug your baby, help him calm down and turn his attention to something interesting.

6. Bring a small toy (preferably a soft one) to kindergarten.. Children develop the perception of a toy as a “substitute” for their mother. When he cuddles something fluffy, which is a piece of home, he feels calmer.

7. Call for help from a fairy tale or game. You can come up with your own fairy tale about how a little bear went to kindergarten for the first time, and how at first he was uncomfortable and a little scared, and how then he made friends with the children and teachers. You can dramatize this story with toys. Both in the fairy tale and in the game the key point is mother's return for the child. Do not under any circumstances interrupt the story until you reach this point. Actually, the goal is for the baby to understand: his mother will definitely come back for him.

8. Make it easier. If you see that it is difficult for your child, he has become even more capricious, adjust the regime. For example, take an extra “day off” on Wednesday or Friday. Pick up as early as possible, preferably right after afternoon tea.

Calm morning

Parents and children are most upset when they separate. How to organize the morning so that both mother and baby have a calm day? The main rule is: calm mother - calm child. He “reads” your insecurity and gets even more upset.

1. Both at home and in kindergarten, talk to your child kindly and confidently. Show friendly persistence when waking up, getting dressed, and in the garden when undressing. Speak not too loudly, but confidently, verbalizing everything you do. Sometimes a good helper when waking up and getting ready is the same toy that goes with the baby to kindergarten. Seeing that the bunny “so wants to go to kindergarten,” the baby will be infected by his good mood.

2. Let the child be taken away by the parent or relative with whom it is easier for him to part. e. Educators have long noticed that a child leaves one of the parents relatively calmly, but the other (most often the mother) cannot let go of him, continuing to worry even after leaving. But it’s better to let the one with whom the emotional connection is stronger take it!

3. Be sure to say that you will come and indicate when(after a walk, or after lunch, or after he sleeps and eats). It’s easier for a baby to know that mom will come after some event than to wait for her every minute. Don't be late, keep your promises!

4. You should have your own farewell ritual(for example, kiss, wave, say “bye”). After that, immediately leave: confidently and without looking back. The longer you wallow in indecision, the more the baby worries.

What about Nastya?

I listened to Oksana and her story. And of course, she said that much of what is happening is typical and will definitely pass. But mom herself clearly needed help! After all, mothers worry at this moment no less than children: the “umbilical cord” is a two-way connection. And it is important that support is provided on time. Oksana needed to believe that Nastya, like other children, was not a “weak” creature at all and was quite capable of coping with the situation. And indeed, after a few weeks the girl was unrecognizable. “I’ll go to kindergarten tomorrow! My children and Aunt Ivanovna are there,” she proudly told her dad in the evenings. She talked about children, toys, activities. And when asked if she liked it in kindergarten, she confidently answered “Yes!”

SUMMARY: He will definitely get used to it!

So, the main principle that will help you overcome the difficulties of adaptation: “A calm mother means a calm child!” The fewer doubts parents have about the advisability of visiting kindergarten, the greater the chance that the child will sooner or later succeed. The baby, feeling the confidence of mom and dad, gets used to it much faster.

The child's adaptive system is strong enough to withstand the test, even if the tears flow like a river. Paradoxical, but true: it’s good that she’s crying! It's worse when he's so stressed that he can't cry. Crying is an assistant to the nervous system; it prevents it from being overloaded. Therefore, you should not be afraid of children’s tears and should not be angry with your child for “whining.”

Rest assured that teachers and psychologists in kindergarten solve the problem of comfortable adaptation of children. Special gaming sessions are conducted. Gradually, children begin to open up, smile, laugh, talk more, and join in joint fun with pleasure. And soon morning crying becomes an exception.

But the help of parents is also necessary, their attentive attitude towards the child during this period, the desire to understand his feelings and accept them. And the baby will get used to it, and then he will love going to kindergarten. It's actually very interesting there!

Story two: “Harmful” Nikita, or the characters didn’t get along

Nikita is 5 years old, and he is ready to stay at home under any pretext. He even tries to feign poor health, just to avoid going to kindergarten. And if he gets really sick, he doesn’t hide his joy. Nikita’s mother, Marina, understands why this happens. Nikita “didn’t have a good relationship” with the teacher in the group, Irina Semyonovna. She, according to her mother, is too strict with the boy. Of course, Nikita is very active, restless and always fights back if someone touches him. The teacher often tells his mother about what her son “did.” And she hasn’t heard positive information for a very long time. From her son’s stories, Marina realized that Irina Semyonovna was prejudiced towards him, not expecting anything good from him in advance. Marina wanted to talk to the teacher, but was afraid that the attitude towards the child would become even worse.

Reason: Difficult relationship with teacher

When you leave your child at kindergarten, the most important question is: who are you leaving him with? I don’t think anyone can argue with the fact that the personality of the teachers with whom the child spends most of the day while you are at work is of paramount importance. It’s strange, but you have to watch how some children adore the same teacher, while others almost hate him. The first ones will hug, caress, look into the eyes and obey unquestioningly. The second is to ignore, try not to get noticed, or even demonstratively violate prohibitions and rules. Therefore, the parents of the first group do not understand what we are talking about: their children are happy to go to kindergarten with this particular teacher! However, sometimes the situation develops according to the principle “you can’t hide it in a bag,” when almost all parents believe that they did not get the best teacher. And some are ready to tolerate it, no more. In this case, most children are “cool” about visiting kindergarten and are certainly not eager to go there.

Why does the child have a “difficult” relationship with the teacher? The origins of the problem must be sought either in the child or in the teacher. As a result, a situation arises that can be characterized by the well-known expression “they don’t get along.” According to my observations, this happens if the teacher adheres to authoritarian communication style: it regulates the rules quite strictly, a step to the left or to the right is considered an escape, and a “wrongly” drawn flower is followed by a murderous look. Such educators want all children to be perfectly obedient, to do everything at once and quickly, never to be distracted, not to shout loudly, to run fast only in physical education, to draw idyllic pictures, but in no case robots, to play board games, sitting decorously at the tables. What a beauty! But children are different creatures and do not fit into such a wonderful plan. And the stricter the teacher’s expectations, the more children “will not fit in.” And the more censure they will receive. And the less desire they will have to meet with this teacher again.

Our children, of course, are not angels either. Very restless, unwilling to follow general rules. Some people constantly violate the “boundaries” of other people (both adults and children), without caring whether this brings them trouble. More and more children are thinking independently, which means it is more difficult to come to an agreement with them and even understand their opinion. Often they are unwilling to march in line and do what everyone has been asked to do. And the more “mandatory” it is proposed, the less desire they have to do it. It’s generally not easy for them in kindergarten, and even more so with a tough teacher. But the “difficult” character of a child does not at all guarantee problems. On the contrary, with a loyal democratic teacher such children simply blossom.

How can a teacher express his negative attitude towards a child?

... make comments only to him alone, even if both children were wrong. And more often - not understanding the situation at all, hanging a “label” on it;

...in front of other children, use sarcastic phrases towards him;

...punish more strongly than in the same situation another child;

...ignore his questions, requests, desire to speak out, and especially positive actions.

Sometimes the teacher’s attitude is obvious to the parents: she regularly complains about the child, asks to “influence”, but never tells how exactly to do this. And he does not promise support from his side. Sometimes the attitude towards the child remains behind the doors of the group, and parents can only learn about it from the stories of the child himself.

To be fair, it is worth noting that a teacher does not have to be a monster for the relationship to not work out. Sometimes a little tactlessness, inattention or shouting is enough - and a child, especially a sensitive one, will be offended. And an anxious child receives a lot of negative emotions, even if the teacher yells at another child, although he himself is not “touched.” Sometimes young children are simply afraid of a loud voice, especially if their family has a calm communication style.

Mini-test: Relationships with the teacher

Analyze the statements and check the appropriate box.

Let's summarize. The more times you said “true,” the more likely it is that the reason for the child’s reluctance to go to kindergarten is related to the teacher. We need to act!

Talk to the teacher: you need to!

Often parents do not want to talk to the teacher for fear that she will then “take it out” on the child. But such a position only masks their self-doubt and inability to defend their point of view. Sometimes events take such a turn that parents are simply obliged to figure everything out and, if necessary, protect the interests of the baby. The child should feel that you are ready to come to his aid. After all, he learns from your example how to act in conflict situations. And if parents prefer to “hide their heads in the sand,” then you should not be surprised at the spinelessness of your child. The child cannot “fight” with the teacher himself. There is a good rule: if you have a conflict with other children, deal with it yourself, we can only help with advice; but if an adult offends you, then it’s our turn to act. In what situations is it necessary to talk to a teacher?

1. If there is an isolated but serious incident which resulted or could result in physical or moral harm to the child. For example, insult or humiliation in front of other children, negligence as a result of which the child got sick or experienced stress.

2. If something disturbing is repeated systematically: Unreasonable, in your opinion, punishments, prejudiced or disrespectful attitude towards the child.

Of course, it’s worth starting a conversation only if you can clearly formulate the essence of your dissatisfaction and offer a rational way out of the situation.

Therefore, if the problem, in your opinion, is worthy of discussion, you need to prepare. To begin, tune in to a conversation as equals. An attempt to teach a teacher, to put yourself above him, will cause a defensive reaction and interfere with rational communication.

Just like the pleading position, when you put the teacher above yourself. Consider the place and time: It's best to discuss the situation one-on-one.

And please don’t get too excited before the conversation! You won't look more convincing, but you'll probably lose clarity of thought.

Conversation algorithm

When talking with a teacher about what has worried or outraged you, you need to adhere to a certain algorithm that will allow you to achieve mutual understanding and resolve the conflict. Throughout the conversation, you should keep two goals in mind: the problem should no longer cause harm to your child, and a good relationship with the teacher should be maintained as much as possible.“Try on” any of your words for these purposes, and you will understand what is worth saying and what is not.

Step one: getting started right. First of all, you need to thank the teacher for his willingness to meet with you and discuss the problem. One or more phrases expressing gratitude are enough: “Thank you for being willing to discuss with me what worries me, despite the late hour.” This beginning sets the stage for positive communication and relieves unnecessary stress for both the teacher and the parent.

Step two: expressing hope that the situation will be resolved. For example: “I hope we can find a solution that suits both of us. I am confident that we are ready for constructive communication.” This step reinforces a positive position and provides an opportunity for further discussion of the issue that concerns you.

Step three: formulating the problem. By the time of the conversation, you should clearly formulate the problem that brought you to the teacher. There is no need for long monologues, during which emotional tension usually increases and interferes with the conversation. The more clearly defined the problem, the more opportunities there are to solve it.

Step four: invitation to discussion. This is a phrase that invites the teacher to express his own opinion on the problem you formulated. For example: “Please tell me how you see the situation.”

Step five: dialogue. The main conditions for success are maintaining respect, the ability to listen and hear the interlocutor, discussing only the essence of the issue, the absence of “forceful” influences (blackmail, threats), overcoming the feeling of hopelessness if it arises. Feelings of hopelessness can arise in parents who are not very confident in themselves and interfere with the continuation of the conversation. It’s as if you hear an “inner voice” saying: “Nothing will work out anyway, the conversation is too difficult, finish quickly.” You shouldn’t give in to this; you need to continue the conversation in the chosen direction. Make it clear to the teacher that you take the position of “We are against the problem,” and not at all “I am against you.” Suggest your solutions. Show how this is beneficial for the teacher. Perhaps together you will find a “middle” option, and if it provides comfort for the child and helps maintain a good relationship with the teacher, then this is a good result. Learn to apologize and accept apologies. Perhaps during the conversation you will realize that you got carried away and were not entirely right. For example, the teacher will tell you what the child has kept silent about, or explain the rules of behavior in the group. Feel free to say you were wrong and thank them for the clarification.

Step six: resume. No matter how the conversation goes, end with a short summary that outlines the main position you came to as a result. For example: “So, we were able to agree that...” If the conversation did not work out, also state this: “Unfortunately, we were unable to find a common solution.”

Step seven: summing up. If you were able to clarify the situation and find a solution to the problem, be sure to thank the teacher again for taking the time to meet with you: “I’m glad we were able to talk. I hope that we will have constructive relations in the future.”

If you can't reach an agreement

Even if the dialogue, in your opinion, did not work out, do not despair. It may seem that the conversation ended in “nothing” and she “didn’t understand anything,” but this is not necessarily the case. Based on practice, I can say: educators try to treat children with respect and attentiveness, even with difficult characters, if their parents constantly have their “finger on the pulse.” The more decisive the parents seem, ready to defend the interests of the child, the less the teacher will want to “get involved” with them. Therefore, do not hesitate to talk about what you don’t like, and do not be afraid of worsening your relationship with your child.

It is highly likely that the situation will improve. The teacher, having calmly thought over your words and realizing that you are determined, will most likely try to compromise. Wait at least 7-10 days after the conversation to give the teacher the opportunity to draw the right conclusions. If, despite attempts to come to an agreement, cases that are unacceptable, from your point of view, are repeated, you will have to go higher: to the head, and then to the local Department of Education. In this case, you need to build a conversation using the same strategy. The best solution to the problem may be to transfer the child to another group. Remember that the main thing is to protect the interests of your baby, his physical and psychological well-being.

But what about the “harmful” Nikita?

Nikita's mother, Marina, was at a loss. She understood that a conversation with the teacher was necessary, but she herself was a person who avoided conflicts. However, you won’t run away from problems forever, especially if we are talking about a child. Of course, she tried to negotiate with me, a psychologist, so that I would discuss the problem with Irina Semyonovna. I, of course, promised to take control of the situation, but said that Marina could not remove herself. It is the parent's decision to act or not act. Having advised how best to structure the conversation, I wished her good luck.

After some time, the situation began to change. The teacher's attitude towards Nikita became much calmer. And the boy even sometimes began to talk about how he wanted to go to kindergarten to his friends! He told his mother that Irina Semyonovna began to praise him, and this was enough for him to “thaw out” and also change his attitude towards the teacher. What influenced this? In many ways, it’s a conversation between a mother and a teacher. Marina structured the conversation correctly, although she was very worried. She tried not to offend the teacher, but at the same time insist on her own. And after some time the changes became obvious!

SUMMARY: The path to dialogue

So, a teacher is not only a profession. A teacher is a person with his own life principles, attitudes, stereotypes and even prejudices. He, like each of us, has a bad mood, malaise and reluctance to go to work today. Educators build relationships with children, guided not only by the concepts of ethics, job descriptions and pedagogical science, but also by their own life attitudes, seasoned with character traits.

You will not always be satisfied with the actions of the teacher. These may be small incidents, but it is possible that a situation will arise that requires a mandatory conversation. Always follow the rule of subordination: first meet with the teacher, and only then go to the administration. Don't avoid this conversation. If the parents do not try to restore justice, the baby will feel unprotected. Remember two goals: to make your child’s stay in kindergarten comfortable and to maintain a relationship with the teacher. Try to take an “us versus the problem” attitude rather than a “me versus you” attitude. Then the interests of the child will be protected, and peaceful relations with the teacher will be guaranteed.

Story three: Maloyezhka Vera

Vera is 5 years old and has been attending kindergarten for two years. And all these two years, the teachers have been complaining that the girl is not eating well. More precisely, he doesn’t eat at all. They did everything they could: they tried to feed her with a spoon - Vera closes her mouth tightly, and when she manages to insert the spoon, she gags. They tried to threaten that she wouldn’t leave the table or go for a walk, but you couldn’t sit endlessly at the table, burying your food in tears. They tried not to pay attention - Vera became calmer, but did not start eating. And now a particularly persistent teacher came to the group, who decided to force the child to eat at all costs. But Vera began to refuse to go to kindergarten, saying that she liked it there, but she needed to eat there.

Reason: Least favorite food

Each of us needs breakfast, lunch and dinner to maintain strength and health. Our children in kindergarten are provided with four meals a day: first breakfast, second breakfast (fruit or juice), lunch and afternoon snack. It would seem that all parents can do is feed their child dinner at home, and nutritious nutrition becomes a reality! But it's not that simple. Problems begin when a child, for some internal reason, refuses garden food. Sometimes so much so that I am ready to be hungry all day. Sometimes he compromises, agreeing to chew bread with compote or eat a piece of apple. However, more often than not, children simply eat poorly, slowly and reluctantly, leaving a lot on their plates.

Few people think about how nutrition can become a cornerstone for the desire or unwillingness to attend kindergarten. After all, parents bring their child to breakfast. This is the very routine moment from which the day in kindergarten begins. What if it is associated with negative emotions? Further more. The process of eating takes a significant amount of time every day. And there is also preparation for it: wash your hands, sit on the chairs while the nanny sets out the food, put away your plate, wash your hands again.

Remember what is the first feeling you get when you enter kindergarten? Even on Saturday, when there is no one and the kitchen is not working, it still smells like food! What can we say about weekdays? This smell greets the child, accompanies him during the day and sees him off in the evening. It's good if the child likes the food. And if not? The whole day can turn into almost torture.

Educators, as a rule, cannot accept a situation when a child does not even want to try a dish. They are afraid of hungry fainting and the reaction of their parents. Therefore, they try to feed them in every possible way. And I admit, often their methods are associated with significant neuroticization of the child and the consolidation of the problem. Shouts, comparisons with other children, mentions that he will not grow up or get sick, threats - and so on several times every day. Otherwise, the teacher may be quite happy with the child, but when it comes to food...

Why doesn't he want to eat?

Why do some children refuse to eat in the garden with a tenacity worthy of other uses? According to my observations, in each group there are 1-2 children about whom they say: “He eats very poorly.” This means he is very selective: he has difficulty trying new dishes and never eats something he did not like once.

As a rule, these children are extremely fussy about food at home, and parents suffer with them, since it is difficult to feed them simply by preparing something for the family. They constantly demand food that is acceptable to them. In kindergarten, as you understand, this is impossible to do. They seem to be guided by the principle: it is better to be hungry than to eat anything. For them, unfortunately, food in the garden is “whatever.”

The basis of nutrition in a children's institution is porridge, soups, various kinds of casseroles, stewed vegetables and cutlets. Now, of course, the diet is changing towards greater variety. The form is also changing: yoghurts and curds in cups, jams, butter, and marshmallows in individual packages, so dear to children’s hearts, began to appear on the tables. And this is one of the steps to attract children to food. Nevertheless, soups and cereals are right there. Why are they so objectionable to children?

Each child is individual, no one can argue with that. Individuality is also manifested in the degree of sensations. For some, very loud sounds are unpleasant (and he reacts to the teacher’s raised tone, becoming frightened, even if they were not addressed to him). Some people are annoyed by bright light. For some it’s scratchy or uncomfortable clothing. And some people have a particularly keen sense of the smells and tastes of food. Porridge is cooked in milk, and milk, especially in large pans, often burns. And this creates a sharp unpleasant smell and taste.

And if one child, who does not have hypersensitivity, will quite calmly eat burnt porridge, then for another one time is enough for him to not want to try even normal porridge. It's not so simple with soup either. It contains a lot of fat, as well as not very appetizing onions, carrots and boiled cereals. Many preschoolers cannot tolerate “hodgepodge,” although they are ready to eat all of these foods separately. The dish should be understandable for them. If there is a lot of stuff mixed in there, a child with delicate taste sensations may refuse to eat it.

It only seems to adults that he refuses to eat because he is stubborn. In fact, it takes a lot for the normal physiological process of food digestion to kick in. Firstly, to like the smell (olfactory system). Secondly, to make the dish look appetizing (visual perception). Already at this moment, the production of saliva and gastric juice begins.

If you don’t like the food, there will be no salivation or gastric juice. This means that it is difficult for a child to chew even a spoonful of food, especially not liquid food. And the stomach begins to contract, pushing out food that it is not ready to accept. Therefore, it is difficult to feed a child “through force”: the benefits from this are hardly greater than from abstinence. Children who are force-fed often “vomit” at the table, which causes a lot of unpleasant moments for everyone.

Sometimes anxious children, even with normal feelings, also reinforce their reluctance to eat in the garden. In general, they are ready to eat, if not all the food, then at least part of it.

For example, they would refuse their unloved milk soup with foam, but would eat pasta with a cutlet. But it can be considered bad luck if they come across a particularly “principled” teacher who demands that everyone’s plates are sparkling clean.

As a result, an anxious child gets used to eating forcefully, and then may simply refuse to eat.

Mini-test: Child and food in the garden

Analyze the statements and check the appropriate box.

Let's summarize. The more times you said “true,” the more likely it is that the child does not want to go to kindergarten precisely because of problems with food. And something needs to be done about this!

What to do with a little one

Much, of course, depends on the teachers. It is with them that we, psychologists, talk to increase their psychological literacy. Its foundations lie in simple principles: do not force, do not frighten, do not compare, do not punish by endlessly sitting over the plate, but only offer it kindly and try to arouse interest and positive emotions in food. If it doesn’t work, leave everything as it is. He doesn’t eat now, which means he’ll eat at home later. What can parents do?

1. While the child is adapting to kindergarten, there is no need to feed him at home in the morning. The logic is simple: a hungry baby is more inclined to try food in kindergarten than a well-fed one. In addition, breakfast will immediately become an important part of his day in a new place. In the first days, you can give him a piece of apple or bread with tea at home. Even if he doesn’t eat in kindergarten, you will still pick him up soon. But by the time the child is in the garden at least until lunchtime, homemade breakfasts should be cancelled.

2. Better prepare in advance. When preparing a child for kindergarten, you need to introduce him to the food that will be served there. It is not so rare to find children who have never seen porridge before, since at home they only have sandwiches for breakfast. So, it’s good if cereals and soups appear at least periodically in your family’s diet. A child, seeing a familiar dish in the garden, will try it much more willingly. It's not too late to start doing this if you're already faced with a problem: start cooking at home what he doesn't dare try in the garden. Perhaps the process will start!

3. Don't make a cult out of food. In other words, don't make the topic of nutrition stressful. Don't constantly ask what he ate or why he didn't eat again. This can only perpetuate the problem, because the child feels your anxiety. The result is a connection: “anxiety – the topic of food – a feeling of danger – reluctance to eat.”

4. Don't scold your child! I had to communicate with parents who tried to solve the problem using force. They scolded the child and punished him, for example, by not allowing him to eat what he likes at home. They threatened that he would not grow up or would get sick. They compared it with other children who “don’t upset their mother so much, but eat well.” Some even went as far as assault! All these methods are unacceptable. But most importantly, they are completely ineffective. Even if a child starts eating while being intimidated, it will not do him any good. Neither physically nor psychologically.

If a child refuses to eat in the garden for a long time (for example, for several weeks) and no progress is observed, then other recommendations come into force

1. Reorganize your child's diet and stay in kindergarten. Be sure to feed him in the morning so that he is not hungry for at least the first part of the day. If possible, agree to bring him lunch in a thermos (in public gardens this is rarely done, but in private ones - no problem). You can somehow manage without an afternoon snack, especially if you pick it up not too late. At home, feed him fully.

2. Be sure to visit a gastroenterologist. In cases of “poor appetite”, peculiarities of the functioning of the gastrointestinal tract are often revealed. To do this, tests are taken, ultrasounds and other studies are performed. Then the doctor will give you recommendations and prescribe a course of medications that can improve your appetite.

3. Be sure to talk to your teachers! They often try to feed the child at any cost, fearing complaints from parents. So, they should know that you will not have any complaints about this! On the contrary, encourage them to calmly perceive the situation and urge them not to touch the child if he is not eating. For the rest, build the conversation according to the scheme given in the last chapter. The most important task is to ensure that educators do not contribute to the neuroticism of a child who is already having a hard time. And don’t be afraid to go to the administration if they “don’t hear” you. Perhaps you will be offered to move to another group, to more loyal teachers.

Sleep and walk

We talked about how food can be a serious reason for not wanting to go to kindergarten. But other “regime” moments are no less important. This is a nap and, oddly enough, a walk.

Many children have difficulty getting to sleep during the day, and you often hear from graduates: “You don’t need to sleep at school!”

Forcing to sleep according to a schedule is a difficult test for any preschooler, when you need to lie quietly so as not to incur anger, but it is almost impossible to do this due to the activity of nature.

If the cornerstone of reluctance is sleep, then dealing with it will not be easy. You are unlikely to be able to persuade a public kindergarten teacher to allow your child not to sleep during the day. There are two options: either pick him up before bed, or go to a private kindergarten, where daytime naps are not necessary.

Walking can also be an unpleasant moment. Or rather, dressing and undressing. There are children whose motor skills do not allow them to get dressed and undressed at the expected pace. There are children with undeveloped skills due to too much adult supervision.

The baby “doesn’t get dressed,” the teacher gets nervous, compares him with others, scolds him, and sometimes even remembers the parents who “didn’t teach him.” All this can cause a child to worry and feel worthless. And this will make you want to escape!

There is only one way out: you need to acquire the necessary skills. Do not help the child in what he should do himself. Show reasonable demands at home. And gradually he will learn to do everything faster, which will reduce tension in the garden. And tell the teacher that this is under your control. This is often enough for the teacher to stop being indignant and simply be patient.

What about little Vera?

After talking with Vera’s mother, I gave her the most important recommendation: to “let go” of the situation related to food. Stop long conversations about how important it is to eat well. Stop beating around this topic altogether when communicating with your daughter. If possible, feed her in the morning and pick her up early in the evening.

The mother had to talk to the teachers first, ceasing to take the guilty “sorry-my-child-for-the-inconvenience” attitude. Mom should have been active and finally expressed her point of view: if he doesn’t want to, let him not eat! Moreover, with this diet, Vera was not an exhausted child and remained active all day in the garden.

I also talked to the teachers. And she heard: “If we don’t force Vera, what about the other children? They won’t eat while looking at her either!” I recommended not to force anyone - it would be easier for everyone.

Little by little the situation began to change. Vera became much calmer, and the words “I don’t want to go to kindergarten” gradually disappeared. Now she was going there with pleasure, preparing the dolls in the evening that she would take to play with her friends.

I would like to end the story with the fact that Vera began to eat well in the garden. But, alas, this did not happen. She began to eat at least some dishes, which was already an achievement. But at least the girl stopped being nervous and anxious.

SUMMARY: His Majesty Regime

Everything related to food, sleep, walks, and activities relates to His Majesty’s Regime, great and terrible. And parents cannot change it, no matter how much you talk about an individual approach. As they say, approach is approach, “and I have more than twenty of them.”

If you need kindergarten, help your child adjust. Seek support from educators. They love it when parents show interest in making things better.

Reluctance to go to kindergarten associated with food, sleep or other elements of the regime is, in general, surmountable.

It is very important that the child has positive incentives that will help him come to terms with some unpleasant moments. For example, friendship, interesting games or favorite activities. Find them with him, and the “regime” difficulties will be much easier to overcome!

Story four: Tender Tanya

Tanya came to kindergarten in the middle group at the age of 4.5 years. From the first day she captivated the teachers with her correct speech and modesty. “What a wonderful girl came to us!” - they said in one voice. But then problems began. Tanya had trouble dressing herself. But she didn’t ask for help, but burst into tears when she didn’t succeed. There were also problems with food - Tanya was extremely wary. In addition, she knew that they would come for her after lunch (they did not leave the girl to sleep), and she understood that she would be fed at home. She was sad, rarely smiled and seemed to be just waiting for the moment when her grandmother would knock on the group’s door. But most of all, her mother was upset when Tanya burst into tears at a party in the garden (the first in her life) and ran to her. Mom came to me with the question: “What should I do?” She had just returned to work, and her grandmother was facing a long hospitalization. Tanya just needed to go to kindergarten. But she didn’t want to, she cried and asked to stay at home.

Reason: Overprotection in the family

A child’s affection and love for his family is an undeniable blessing. It is this mutual love that helps him grow and strengthen, like a flower under the gentle sun. But where is the line when attachment becomes too strong, almost problematic? While the child is in the home world, this may not be obvious. But as soon as he goes out into the “big world” (and kindergarten is part of it), then a lot becomes clear. A child accustomed to being led cannot act actively. He is anxious, lacking initiative, and timid in the absence of a “support group.” He “freezes” and waits out the situation where he is alone, without trying to fit into it. Often such children go to kindergarten later, at 4–5 years old, and in contrast to other children, it is noticeable how undeveloped their self-care skills are. Indeed, their relatives took on a lot, trying to ease the process of putting on “naughty” clothes, eating, or cleaning.

Is it good for such a child to be in kindergarten? It's not always the same. If he has an active beginning and healthy “hooliganism,” then he sighs with relief when his mother disappears behind the door. He adapts quickly, realizing the benefits of kindergarten. Yes, there is a regime, yes, there are rules, but there is much more freedom here! Just a minute ago he was a dependent good boy, but now he is a normal child with mischievous imps in his eyes. Sometimes such that it is not easy for the teacher to restrain them!

But it happens, as in the case of Tanya. The connection between the three women - grandmother, mother and Tanya - was so strong that it can be called symbiosis. To put it figuratively, with symbiotic attachment, the mother perceives the child as if he had not yet been born, as if they were still connected by an umbilical cord. She reacts to separation, even short-term, with severe depression. His mother (sometimes his grandmother) is too protective of him, not allowing him to do what he is capable of doing due to his age, and when walking he never lets him go far from himself. Of course, in response to the situation of “separation” when entering kindergarten, women manifest their own anxiety, so strong that it is transmitted to the child through the uncut “umbilical cord”.

Symbiotic relationships are the norm for mothers and children under one year of age. Residues can still be observed in nursery children and their mothers. But when it comes to 3-4-5 year old toddlers, this becomes a problem.

Children who are in a symbiotic attachment react to separation very sharply. They cry so much that it seems as if the heavens have opened up. This is real grief for them. But their relatives, when asked “Why doesn’t he want to go to kindergarten?” They rarely turn to themselves for answers. First, they look for external reasons: they don’t like the teacher, rude treatment, no individual approach. Their anxiety paints bleak pictures: a child sits in a corner, no one wants, and cries. And they fight at windmills, instead of seeing the true reason.

Mini-test: Is there overprotection?

Analyze the statements and check the appropriate box.

Let's summarize. The more times you said “true,” the more likely it is that the reason for the child’s reluctance to go to kindergarten is too strong an attachment to his family, and not at all “evil” teachers or lack of an individual approach. You have a lot of work ahead of you!

Love without the word "too"

So, the child does not want to go to kindergarten. And the reason is not the “bad” kindergarten, teachers and attitude towards him, but the fact that he misses without his family, without the familiar world with its established routine and care. It's okay until it becomes too much. The child loves you so much that it prevents him from moving to a new level of independence and independence. How to act so that love remains and the kindergarten ceases to be a hostile place?

1. Give your child independence. Of course, this should have been done much earlier. But it’s not too late now. There is no need to “make his life easier” by dressing him, spoon-feeding him, and putting away his toys. Love is not petty service at all. On the contrary, insist that he has responsibilities. Everything that, due to his age, he must do to serve himself should be included in his and your life. Of course, this is not a very fast way. Start with what he will need first: dressing independently, food, toilet, cleaning. Having the same requirements at home and in the garden will reduce tension.

2. This is a necessity. Having decided that your child needs to attend kindergarten, it is very important to leave all doubts. Children whose parents are confident in the correctness of their choice adapt faster and easier. They feel like they are part of the family system and, if visiting the kindergarten is necessary, they accept it. It is much worse when a child feels the uncertainty of adults: either he needs to walk or he doesn’t. Of course he will resist. No matter how wonderful the kindergarten is, he is still better at home. Confidence is especially needed for anxious and caring women.

3. Trust your teachers. To reduce their own anxiety, overprotective mothers and grandmothers need to know that they are leaving their child in good hands. Therefore, it is especially important to go “to the teacher.” This will help both you and the child at first. In moments of doubt, remind yourself that there are good people next to your baby who you can trust.

4. Relive this moment! In the case of hyperattachment and overprotection, adaptation is never easy. But don't give up on kindergarten. The child, realizing that he will have to go there, will begin to look for advantages. And they are usually like this: friends, interesting toys, games and activities. Be patient, curb your own anxiety and believe that the child will definitely get used to it. And after a while, perhaps, he will enjoy going to kindergarten.

What about gentle Tanya?

I talked to my mother, and my main goal was to reduce her anxiety. Indeed, without this the process would not have proceeded. If the connection is too close, then emotions are transmitted through it at the speed of electric current. If mom calms down, it will be easier for Tanya. I talked about the group’s teachers, emphasizing their exceptional professional and personal qualities (without embellishing, Tanya was really lucky). She talked about how a day goes in kindergarten, what requirements are imposed on children and what rules exist. Mom felt calmer. I motivated her to give her daughter more independence and encourage her to develop the necessary skills. I also recommended playing with the girl at home on a “day in the garden”, taking her favorite dolls or soft toys. Go through the game from the beginning of the day (getting up) until the mother picks up her daughter from the garden. This game is a real lifesaver for children when adapting to kindergarten. It helps calm down not only them, but also their parents!

Gradually the situation began to change. Tanya began to “open up” and communicate more willingly with both the teachers and the girls from the group. She made friends whom she talked about at home and whom she wanted to see. I started staying until afternoon tea. Mom and grandmother rejoiced at the girl’s growing independence. They were ready to “let her go,” and the kindergarten helped them with this. Tanya joined the group and after a few months felt quite comfortable.

SUMMARY: Time to Let Go

As the child grows up, he takes steps towards independence. At the same time, the attachment to relatives remains, but the guardianship on their part should become less. The problem is that it can be difficult for parents to allow their child to become more independent, although he himself is already ready for this. One of the key moments is entering kindergarten. And it’s better to loosen the ties in advance so that the baby feels more confident. Petty care is more of a hindrance, and not only in this case. The child becomes anxious, unsure of himself, and shy. Therefore, if guardianship remains to a superior degree in your relationship, it is worth relaxing it. Everyone will benefit from this: both you and the child. He will not have any fear of going out into the “big world”, of which the kindergarten is a part.

Story five: Offended Vasya

Vasya is 6 years old; he came to the preparatory group from another kindergarten. Vasya is a plump boy and wears glasses. He immediately came under the gun of the “mockers” - a group of guys led by Vlad. They started calling him “fat” and “bespectacled.” Of course, the teacher scolded Vlad and his team as best she could, but they still continued their work on the sly. An outraged mother came to see a psychologist with a request to “somehow influence these children.” It turns out that Vasya, who had no problems in the old kindergarten, where he went to the nursery group, now refuses to go to the new kindergarten.

Reason: “I’m being offended!”

Many children get very offended if they are teased. Teasing is the norm of life, and it is difficult to avoid it both in the garden and at school. But some people overreact to them. Particularly sensitive children may refuse to go to kindergarten if someone has chosen them as a target for ridicule.

What specific features that serve as verbal “injections” do children notice in each other?

● appearance features: “fat man”, “skeleton”, “red-haired”, “oblique”. As well as characteristics associated with neatness (“dirty”, “sloppy”, “shaggy”);

● behavioral characteristics. “Turtle”, “crybaby”, “coward”, “greedy”, “fighter” - these words show intolerance towards the character traits or behavior of another child;

● national question. In this case, children “pick up” words of intolerance from adults. It is at their suggestion that they pay attention to the color of the eyes and hair and draw wrongful conclusions based on this;

● gender and age. “Girl” can be used to tease a boy who is friends with girls; it is also a synonym for “crybaby.” And “baby” or “small” is often used as a synonym for “stupid”;

● intelligence and success. If a child is neither active, nor good communication skills, nor achievements in classes, then he may hear: “stupid”, “loser”, “boring”, “quiet”.

Why do children tease each other? This is not always due to the desire to truly offend another child or to assert oneself at his expense. Sometimes it's just a fun game for both of them, and no one gets "hurt" if it ends on time. Sometimes it’s a test of strength: what exactly will he say in response, will he be able to defend himself, defend his place in the group? Another motive is to attract the attention of adults.

There may also be envy: you have something, but I don’t, so I’ll at least call you names in order to “restore justice.” Or an outburst of aggression: you didn’t want to give me the car, so I called you names!

Some children take teasing even more personally than physical abuse. After all, the soul feels more subtly than the body. And this may cause her to be reluctant to date someone who hurts her.

Such guys would rather avoid than directly confront the offender. And “escape” can be expressed in a reluctance to attend kindergarten.

Mini-test: Does the child suffer from ridicule?

Analyze the statements and check the appropriate box.

Let's summarize. The more times you said “true,” the more likely it is that the reason for your child’s reluctance to go to kindergarten is the ridicule of other children. We need to help him!

Defeat the Mockingbirds

The victim of teasing always has some striking difference from others, which provokes attacks. But the feature is not the main thing. It is very important how the child himself relates to this feature, how he reacts to teasing addressed to him. The situation is fixed if he does not try to cope with it, shows obvious resentment, does not try to correct what is being laughed at if it is in his power, and does not turn to adults for help.

To begin with, parents should remember that “you can’t put a scarf over someone else’s mouth,” which means that “pedagogical” suggestions to the child’s offenders are unlikely to bring results. Fighting with other children is like fighting with windmills: an equally useless, but energy-consuming activity. If their parents are not willing to work to make the child more tolerant, or even encourage their behavior, then your efforts will be in vain.

What can you do?

1. If features of appearance or behavior can be changed, this must be done. An overweight child can be helped to overcome this deficiency by reviewing his diet, and if necessary, consult a doctor. Is your child being teased as a “slob”? Here it is the direct responsibility of the parents to better monitor his appearance. If we are talking about behavioral characteristics, then you need to think about how to help the child become more proactive, sociable, and active. Think about the reasons for the teasing and help correct the situation.

2. Change your point of view. When we are talking not about a disadvantage, but about a feature (hair color, nose length, freckles, glasses), then you need to reorient the child’s perception, making the “disadvantage” an advantage. You can say to a redhead that he looks like the sun. If your child wears glasses, be sure to point out that he is very respectable. By the way, the Harry Potter saga has reconciled many children with glasses. A child who is teased based on his nationality needs to develop pride in his native nationality. If he confidently and ardently rushes to defend not so much himself as his people, the offenders will quickly calm down.

3. Learn to perceive reality. There are situations when nothing can be changed. Then you need to reconcile the child with the fact that his appearance is special. It's not easy, but this is the solution. Then the “injections” of those teasing will not hurt him too much. And other children, seeing that their mischief does not cause offense or tears, will stop bothering you. Zdenek Matejcek, a Czech psychologist, writes: “Our educational goal is not to protect the child from interest and curious glances, but to ensure that he perceives his unusualness as a self-evident part of his Self and lives with it, without paying attention to it.” attention and without making a problem out of it.”

4. Build adequate self-esteem! Research by American psychologists has shown that children with adequate self-esteem are usually accepted by their peers more readily than those whose self-esteem is too high or low, and these are the characteristics that distinguish “victim” children. A conversation about a child’s self-esteem is too extensive a topic to fit into a short recommendation. But too low self-esteem must be increased by instilling in the child confidence in his strengths and capabilities. And if it is too high, reduce it to adequate. Then the child will gain the ability to understand the real level of his capabilities and the demands that he can put forward to others.

Let him react!

It is you who can teach your child to respond to name-calling effectively, that is, so that the teasing does not take hold:

● ignoring. The child is called names, but he pretends not to hear. However, you need to have strong nerves so as not to “explode” later;

● reacting in an unusual way. For example, if a child is teased “Turtle!”, you can respond with one of the options: “Turtle? Actually, my name is Vanya, and we can look for the turtle together,” or “Nice to meet you, Turtle. And my name is Vanya”;

● talk. Have the child say to the other, “Why do you want to hurt me?” But this method works better at an older age;

● learn excuses. A very effective option for preschoolers. You need to learn excuses with your child - short rhymes that allow you to respond adequately, without showing offense or getting involved in retaliatory insults.

“Whoever calls names like that is called that himself.”

“Black cash register, I have the key, whoever calls names is on himself!”

“A crocodile walked along, swallowed your word, but left mine.”

If a child boldly enters the “battle” with the help of excuses, the teasing against him will not be reinforced. In general, it is worth guiding the child towards an active reaction. Not necessarily rude, but active. Only in this case will the offenders understand that they have chosen the wrong “victim”. They might take a few tries, but if he holds out, he will defend his place in the group. And the desire to run away from offenders will also disappear!

What about the offended Vasya?

So, Vasya’s mother burned with righteous anger and demanded that “something be done.” And unexpectedly for her was the question of how they tried to help Vasya in the family. This puzzled her: after all, they tease him in kindergarten, and it’s up to the teachers and psychologist to figure it out! That's right, of course it is. But during the conversation I managed to change her opinion somewhat. As a psychologist working with children, it seems necessary to me that parents be assistants in solving any problem that manifests itself in kindergarten. When a parent understands that he can influence the situation and help the child in some way, this gives him optimism. So I gave Vasily’s mother the recommendations that you have already read above. She especially liked the excuses. It turned out that they were struggling with excess weight and were regularly examined by a doctor.

For our part, the teachers and I took control of the situation. Of course, we drew the children’s attention to the inadmissibility of such behavior. But special methods were also involved: inventing, acting out and discussing a special fairy tale, where Vlad played the role of the Fat Hippopotamus. We also played special “cooperation” games, and Vasya found himself paired up with his offenders.

What exactly influenced the situation, which began to change within a week? It is impossible to answer exactly. Probably all together: the attention and help of parents, psychological techniques, the desire of educators to cope with the problem, as well as the strength of character of Vasya himself. Is he being teased now? Yes sometimes. But he learned to react, turning everything into a joke and general laughter. This is probably why they tease, to laugh a little with someone who is ready for fun and not for offense.

SUMMARY: May he win!

Of course, it is very unpleasant when a child is the object of attention for “evil tongues.” Parents are outraged: “Why are these children allowed to behave like this? Why are they bullying our child? Why are they allowed to put others down?” But I want to stop the flow of righteous anger. No, children are not allowed any of this. But in every group, and then in every class, and in adult life there are many such people! And it is better that the child learns to respond to attacks effectively already in preschool age. Then, as he grows up, he will only increase his potential and will never become a “victim.”

Of course, he will have to go through a period of helplessness and lack of understanding of what exactly to do and how to act. He will try different ways. And it’s good if parents become helpers and a “support group.” Having learned to repel attacks, he will feel much more confident, and the “escape from kindergarten” will be stopped!

And a few more reasons for a snack

So, I told you five stories illustrating the five most popular reasons for not wanting to go to kindergarten. There are also children who have a very difficult time in kindergarten. And they too can say: “I don’t want to!”

Aggressive children. It is difficult for both the children and the teachers to work with them, since they prefer not to talk, but to hit. Often, educators themselves “pull away” them from communicating with others, so as not to provoke conflicts and trauma. Sometimes such children become friends based on similar interests, creating groups that are always ready to fight with others.

Recommendation: We need to work on reducing aggressive behavior! But first, find out its reasons. They can be very different. Family: rejection by parents (unwanted child); indifference; autocratic parenting style; relationship problems; disrespect for the child's personality. Personal: lack of confidence in one’s own safety (perceives another child as a source of real danger); subconscious feeling of danger; emotional instability, etc. In this case, it is best to contact a psychologist - both for diagnosis and for recommendations that will help cope with the problem.

Shy children. Such guys prefer contemplation rather than active communication. They are rarely considered problematic. Moreover, because of their calmness and correctness, they often receive praise from educators, which supports their “rating.” They have few friends, but they are very loyal to their affections. The reason why such children do not want to attend kindergarten is that they are often teased by more active children, which causes resentment. But they almost cannot stand up for themselves!

Recommendation: First, it’s worth finding out whether the child is truly shy or not. If she prevents him from communicating, defending his opinion and himself, it’s worth working with. You can’t write how in one paragraph. And of course, shy children need to be taught to deflect teasing. For them, excuse phrases prepared and rehearsed more than once at home are best suited.

Hyperactive children. It’s difficult for other guys with them, because they don’t concentrate on the goal of the game, quickly lose the “thread” of it, and don’t want to follow the rules. They are too active and prefer to hit rather than talk. And they are too inattentive to perform tasks well and follow the rules. They often receive criticism from the teacher in the presence of the whole group, and therefore other children treat them with disdain. They are often teased or simply repeat the words of the teacher, which causes “outbursts”, followed by another punishment.

Recommendation: I wrote a whole book about hyperactive children, which contains many recommendations. Of course, you need to communicate a lot with teachers to explain the reasons for the child’s behavior. And, of course, defend his interests so that he is not a constant target for comments and reproaches. It is also necessary to take care of his health, regularly see a neurologist, following all the recommendations. Improving the child’s condition immediately improves the quality of his life and communication.

"Inconvenient" children. These guys don’t want to follow the rules and try their best to resist them. Either by ignoring or by disobedience. They hate everything that needs to be done “on a schedule” and in “orderly rows.” They are essentially individualists. Teachers often get angry with them and criticize them. Of course, as a result of this, some of the guys in the group begin to consider them “bad”. But “inconvenient” children often have a bright personality and become informal leaders, despite the attitude of their teachers. Although staying in kindergarten can become problematic for them.

Recommendation: Try to maintain the authority of your teachers at home. If a headstrong child does not feel respect for an adult, he will never accept his requests and instructions. Perhaps it is worth choosing teachers whom you yourself respect, and a kindergarten where there are no rules that you yourself would consider “strange”. Such a child can be directed towards mastering the rules only if you are completely confident in their appropriateness. Make an effort to explain to him the whys and wherefores, rather than just insist on doing them.

Frequently ill children. If a child is at home more than he goes to kindergarten, then it is difficult for him to join the team. A 2-3 year old child is simply “forgotten” by his peers in the group. Older children form lasting friendships based on interests by bringing toys and organizing games. Often a sick child cannot fit into them. It is as if he remains a “stranger” - one who comes for a short time. Of course, he doesn't feel too comfortable!

Recommendation: Such children usually have relatives who do not work. It has been noticed that the busier parents are and the faster they need to go to work, the less often and for less long the children get sick. Don’t keep your child at home just to “get stronger.” More often than not, this measure not only does not help, but also hinders. After all, natural immunity is developed and maintained in an “active” environment. If your child often misses kindergarten, try to organize informal communication. Invite the guys from his group to visit, go for walks where you can meet friends from kindergarten. This way he won’t be alone and confused when returning to his group after illness.

Children with loneliness inside. There are children with little need to communicate with anyone. This is the makeup of their personality. They don't need anyone - neither children nor adults. For them, the whole world is themselves. Of course, they are much more comfortable at home than in kindergarten, where other children are constantly making noise nearby. Hermit children are also often attacked by their peers. Perhaps this is their way of trying to stir up the “loner”.

Recommendation: Don't let your child stay in his shell for too long. He simply needs communication, both direct and (at least) observation of how others communicate. If possible, you can ease your child's routine by picking him up after lunch. If not, then as early as possible in the evening. And of course, talk to him about the kindergarten and the kids, trying to arouse his interest and positive attitude.

Another reason for a child’s reluctance to go to kindergarten may be temporary situation in communication with other children. For example, Pasha wants to be friends with Senya, but Senya is friends with Yegor and “doesn’t let Pasha in.” Or Sveta quarreled with her best friend Dasha. Or Vitya was given the role of Kolobok at the festival, but he wanted to play the Wolf. The temporary situation may also be associated with the child’s feeling of guilt. For example, he accidentally got sand in another baby's eyes and was afraid of his tears. Or he took a toy from the garden without asking and is now afraid of exposure. Or he somehow broke a hook in the closet and fears punishment. In general, we are talking about something situational, but which caused deep emotions in the child. The main thing in this case is to figure it out and help. The best thing is to listen to him and give him the opportunity to come up with a way out himself. And of course, support him!

And for dessert there is one more reason: the topic of kindergarten and reluctance to attend it is one of the favorites of manipulative children. In other words, child manipulates parents, saying: “I won’t go to kindergarten!” The reasons may vary. The desire to attract the attention of too busy parents. The desire to divert the parents’ attention from a topic that was inconvenient for him (for example, “why didn’t you put the toys away again”). The desire to “press the button”, receiving the usual reaction. The desire to receive some kind of reward for consent (some seriously pay a “salary” for attending kindergarten). Sometimes the manipulation is unconscious, so you should not consider the child a far-sighted “villain”. But sometimes it is repeated so often that it becomes clear: he does it quite consciously. Moreover, teachers can say that the child is comfortable in the kindergarten: he is having fun, playing, playing pranks and is not noticed at all in sadness. How to deal with manipulation by children is a broad topic. But in the context of our story, it is important to know that the kindergarten has nothing to do with it.

SUMMARY: Round dance of reasons

So, there are quite a few reasons for a child not to want to go to kindergarten. But almost everyone presents temporary difficulties that attentive parents can cope with. You have already seen the mini-tests that were in each story. But I’ll share the most important, secret way. Just invite your child to play in kindergarten. There is a minimum of activity on your part. Bring your toys and get ready, the fun is about to begin! In his play, the child will show you something that he will never tell you when answering questions. And also what teachers are always silent about. By observing, you can find out what the teacher yells at the children during meals. That one of the boys constantly bullies others. That there is a girl with whom I would like to be friends, but it doesn’t work out. That he got scared by pushing the other boy and feels guilty. In general, everything secret will become clear. Several such games - and the picture will be clear to you. And this is half the success!

3. To like it!

Parents can do a lot to make their child feel comfortable in kindergarten. And then the problem of reluctance to visit it can be avoided. In other words, a “disease” is easier to prevent than to treat!

Getting ready for admission!

It would seem that kindergarten is not an institute or even a school. Is preparation really necessary here too? Certainly! After all, the adaptation process, which we have already talked about, will go much smoother if you prepare the child in advance.

1. Is kindergarten necessary? Decide whether your family really needs your child to go to kindergarten right now. If there is no confidence, your emotions will be transmitted to the baby, and he will adapt worse. Doubts for several months (“Maybe it’s better not to go?..”) will play a cruel joke in September. The easiest children to get used to kindergarten are those whose parents cannot offer them a replacement in the form of home education or a nanny. These parents feel inner confidence: “Where to go? You need to walk, and you will walk!” It is this confidence that is passed on to the baby.

2. “Regime” moments. I have heard from young mothers: “Why would I torture my child in advance? On September 1st we’ll get up at 7.30 and everything will be great!” Unfortunately, most likely it won’t be “excellent”. Sleep mode is one of the main regulators of all activity during the day. And a child who is woken up at an unusually early time will experience strong negativity towards the kindergarten on the very first day. Bring your home regime closer to your future gardener's regime at least a month before admission. If you are not used to waking up your child in the morning, be sure to start doing so. At first you may not do it at 7.30, but now you both should get used to the fact that you decide when he wakes up. Cheerful music and your favorite toy will help you create a good mood in the morning. Surprisingly, children often listen to a teddy bear better than their own mother! Adjust the walking time taking into account the fact that children walk in kindergarten from 10.30 to 11.45. Also change your bedtime during the day and evening if necessary. Remember that in the kindergarten children go to bed around 13.00 and wake up after 15.00.

3. Food is everything to us! Bring your child’s home diet closer to the kindergarten diet. Remember that the basis is a variety of porridges with milk, soups, cutlets and casseroles (meat, fish, cottage cheese), stewed vegetables (white and cauliflower cabbage with green peas or potatoes), sandwiches with butter. Try to introduce your child to these dishes at home, and then he will be more favorable to them in the future. Also switch to 4 meals a day, if it was different before. The diet in the kindergarten is structured as follows: breakfast at 8.15–8.30, lunch at 12.30, afternoon snack at 15.30.

4. What about your health? Children who do not have congenital or chronic diseases, as well as those who rarely suffer from ARVI, adapt best. Get doctors' recommendations. It may be necessary to include the use of restoratives, physical education, and massage in comprehensive training.

5. Important skills. Adaptation is easier for those children who:

● They know how to eat and drink themselves. While you have time, teach your child to eat on his own if you often spoon-fed him. Believe me, the child will not voluntarily starve; after a few days he will begin to eat on his own;

● know how to partially dress and undress. Use the “baby steps” technique: on the first day, you put on the tights almost all the way, so that the child only has to pull them up a little. Praise your child for success. The next day, you leave the tights a little lower and praise again when the child completes the task. In a week you can teach your child this difficult task. And so - with each item of clothing;

● ask to go potty or stay dry until an adult reminds you about the potty. Try to potty train your baby (they write a lot about how to do this);

● are able to fall asleep on their own. Start early, the key here is gradualism;

● They know how to occupy themselves with some kind of game. Teach your little one this. You can start the game with him, and then leave for “important” matters. If a child can occupy himself for a while, and also continue the game started with an adult, this is a good sign. In order for a child to be able to play on his own, he first needs to play with an adult. The age of 1.5–2.5 years is the age of learning the properties and actions with objects. A child who has not been shown how to play will not do it himself, because he does not know how! The first step towards independence in games is playing together with your baby.

6. Communication, communication and more communication! Prepare your baby to communicate with other children and adults. Go to different places where there are people unfamiliar to him. If earlier you preferred to go for walks separately, now you go with your baby to playgrounds, children's parks, and clubs. Take it with you when you visit.

● Observe how he communicates with adults and other children. Pay special attention to how he explores a new space (huddles close to you, asks for support, or begins to explore on his own). If the child is fearful, walk with him around an unfamiliar room, introduce him to other children, and offer to play together. Call other children by name (Olya, Misha, Vova), ask about them. Teach your child to ask people for help and cooperate.

7. What is a kindergarten? You can hear how, in response to your question: “Do you want to go to kindergarten?” – the child firmly answers: “YES!” This does not mean at all that he is ready for this. The kid just doesn't know what it is. He does not understand that he will have to part with his mother and be under the care of a teacher and surrounded by other children all day.

● Tell him about the kindergarten, and in as much detail as possible. The game “A Day in the Garden” will help you with this. Take soft toys and play: the Bear wakes up her Bear in the morning, they wash themselves, get dressed, and go to kindergarten. Let the Squirrel teacher and other toy children meet them there. Play back the moment your mother left, the farewell ritual that you will use in the future (for example, kiss, say “Bye-bye,” smile and wave). Then show how the kids go to the potty, have breakfast, play, walk, come back from a walk, have lunch, go to bed, etc. until the moment mom arrives. Attention! The game cannot be interrupted until you lose the moment of mom's return. Parting with mom is the most traumatic moment, and the child must firmly remember: mom always comes back. This game will help him understand what kindergarten is.

8. Books about kindergarten. Read books to your child about how children (or animals) were going to kindergarten. Such books are now on sale. Listening to stories about cute characters, your child will create a positive image of the kindergarten. These books will be very useful to you, especially during the first month of visiting.

9. See it with your own eyes. Introduce your child to kindergarten. When you pass by, say every time that he will go exactly here. Tell us how interesting it will be how many new toys there will be. Children really like stories about how there are special little things in the kindergarten: chairs, tables, toilets, cribs. You can even take a walk on the grounds of the kindergarten or at least walk along the paths.

10. Who are our teachers? Don't miss the opportunity to meet the teachers in advance. Find out about their teaching position. To do this, ask them questions that concern you (you can write down the questions so you don’t forget), and don’t be satisfied with the formulaic “Don’t worry, Mommy!” Speak only politely and respectfully. Try to get the information that interests you. After all, a teacher is the person to whom you will entrust your most precious possessions. Separately discuss the question of whether it is customary for the kindergarten to have the mother present for the first 2–3 days. If so, it will make you feel less anxious, knowing that you can be there for them. Also discuss the issues of a “gardener’s” wardrobe so that you can slowly choose shoes and clothes. Ask if children are helped and fed if they don’t want to. Express your wishes.

● Be sure to find out the names of the teachers, and when telling your child about the kindergarten, use not the vague “teacher”, but “Aunt Ira” (if it’s a nursery) or “Irina Ivanovna” (if it’s a junior group). It’s good if the baby can get to know these people in advance.

11. Quick separation. Prepare your child for the moment of “separation” from yourself. In my practice, there was a case when a mother and her baby did not separate until they entered kindergarten. They went to the store together, went on visits together, etc. In general, they had no experience of separation at all. And of course, the moment of separation was very traumatic for both. Tyoma cried all day long, did not go near toys, almost did not react to anything, being in his grief. And only special help alleviated the situation, allowing the baby to attend kindergarten and his mother to go to work.

● It is very important that by the time you start attending kindergarten, you both have gained experience of separations and meetings. Gradually begin to entrust the care of the baby to other relatives, starting with a few hours, gradually increasing the time. Then you can “practice” by sending your baby to visit grandma for a few days.

12. When do you go to work? Already now we need to plan for at least the first three months of the baby’s stay in the kindergarten. And it’s good if you don’t rush to work at this time. Dedicate the first month to helping your child adapt gradually. You won't be able to leave it in the garden all day the first time. The soft adaptation scheme is as follows: the first days - visit the kindergarten for 1-2 hours, or better yet, for a walk while you are walking somewhere nearby. Then you can bring your baby to breakfast and leave him until he returns from his walk. After another 1-2 days, if adaptation is good, leave until lunch. Only next week can you try to leave the baby to sleep, picking him up before afternoon tea. And after another 1-2 days, come for it after afternoon tea. You need to continue staying in the garden until 17–18.00 for another week. Thus, you will need at least 2 weeks to leave your baby full time, and then only if adaptation is good. In other cases, this process can last up to a month.

You should also take into account that the baby will most likely get sick in the first two weeks of visiting the kindergarten. It will take time for him to recover while at home with you. It is unwise to send a half-sick child to kindergarten until he has adapted. He'll likely be sick a lot over the next few months, and it's better if you can treat him at home without worrying about what people will think of you at work.

As they say, forewarned is forearmed. Now you have every opportunity to properly prepare your baby for such an important event in his life as entering kindergarten. I hope you have more stars than thorns along the way!

Parents: “5” for attitude!

Probably no one will argue with how important contact between people is. And the relationship that develops between a parent and his child’s educator is the cornerstone. Perhaps peace and harmony, and perhaps future conflict. From the experience of communicating with educators, I can say that they always take into account what kind of parents the child has. It’s one thing: “His mother will always ask, be interested, and listen to us.” And something completely different: “She doesn’t even say hello!” If you have good contact with the teacher, this will save your child from many problems. If the parent and teacher are “on the same wavelength”, if the teacher feels respected by the parent, then the problem of “prejudicial” attitude usually does not arise. A lot depends on your position, including mutual goodwill.

1. Politeness is the basis of constructive communication. It’s strange, but some parents do not consider it necessary to either say hello or goodbye to the teacher, although the use of “magic” words is the basis of cultural communication, which is taught in childhood. Unfortunately, the problem of impoliteness and sometimes rudeness of parents is not so rare. Remember that you are an example for your child. When communicating with the teacher, do not forget to smile, be friendly, say “thank you”, “please”, and on Friday evening wish you a pleasant weekend.

2. Follow the requirements. In kindergarten there are a number of requirements for parents that should be met:

● The baby's things should be neat and appropriate in size. A child can get dirty, and this is a natural process, especially for young children. Therefore, make sure that there is always a supply of clothes in your locker for an “emergency” case;

● if something must be purchased and brought, then it must be done in a timely manner, for example: physical education uniform, Czechs, paints, brushes, album and other items for creativity. If a child does not have what he needs, this puts stress on the teacher’s work. Think about your child: he is offended that everyone has it, but he doesn’t;

● Kindergarten fees must be paid on time. The fact is that educators must provide information about parents paying for kindergarten in full. It is not easy for a teacher to work, including with your child, if because of your “forgetfulness” she had to be “on the carpet” with the authorities. And if such cases are repeated often, what opinion will she have about her parents?

● If a child is sick, you need to call and warn. This is a general requirement in all kindergartens and should not be ignored. It is in your power to make the teacher’s work a little more convenient, and also not to overpay for extra marked days.

3. Maintain the authority of the teacher. Unfortunately, there is a category of parents who talk down to the teacher. It is worth remembering that the child adopts the communication style of adults and may begin to show the teacher obvious disrespect. Therefore, conflicts begin that could have been avoided if mom had taken a different position in communication. Even if you think that the teacher is wrong in something, try to maintain his authority if you are not going to transfer your child to another group or kindergarten. The rules are simple: when a child talks about the teacher, it’s either good or nothing; all controversial issues are discussed with the teacher one on one.

4. Show interest in your child's life in the garden. Parents who are interested in their children themselves ask the teacher how the child behaves, how he studies, what difficulties and successes he has. Teachers treat such parents with special respect, which is reflected in their interactions with children.

5. Show interest in the group's activities. The teachers really appreciate parents who are ready to help the kindergarten. And we are not just talking about financial assistance. Helping decorate the group for the holiday, fixing the sandbox, hanging curtains - in these and other matters, the help of parents is always of particular value. Both mothers and fathers, who are ready to help, enjoy special respect from the teacher.

So, parents themselves must make efforts to prepare the basis for conflict-free communication. If you are impolite, do not comply with reasonable requests, do not support authority, and are not interested in the child and the affairs of the group, then can you expect to be treated with respect in return? Most likely no. Try to follow these recommendations, be more friendly, and many problems can be avoided.

Mistakes you shouldn't make

Sometimes parents make mistakes that lead to the child becoming afraid of kindergarten. What can't you do?

1. You can't show your child your anxiety. It is necessary to exclude all statements like: “Poor thing, you will have to go to kindergarten!”, “How are you in kindergarten without your mother?” Don’t say this yourself and don’t let “well-wishers” say this to your baby. Also, don't discuss how anxious you are with your friends in front of your child. Even if he does not understand all the phrases, he is able to highlight the key words “kindergarten”, “teacher” and associate them with your worried expression. And he may develop a certainty: kindergarten is bad and dangerous.

2. Don't be intimidated by kindergarten.“When you go to kindergarten, they will show you how not to obey!”, “If you don’t behave well, I’ll send you to kindergarten, let them educate you there!”, “In kindergarten, the teacher will give you a belt for such behavior!” Parents use such phrases as an “educational” measure: if you scare him, he will obey better. One can say about such parents: “They don’t know what they are doing.” Yes, perhaps in this situation the child obeyed. But the damage done to him is long-lasting! Now the child knows for sure: kindergarten is a dangerous place where he will be scolded, punished, and maybe even beaten. Will he want to go there?

3. You cannot criticize the kindergarten and teachers in front of your child. Perhaps you don't like the kindergarten and the teachers too much, but for some reason you can't choose another one. Well, you'll have to put up with what you have. It would be a mistake to discuss your dissatisfaction in front of your child. Otherwise, your attitude will be passed on to him, and he will perceive the atmosphere in kindergarten as unfriendly. In general, try to discuss gardening problems in front of your child as little as possible, this can only disorient him.

4. You can't deceive a child saying that you will "pick him up early" if you don't expect to do so. It’s better to know that your mother won’t come soon than to lose trust in you.

Instead of a conclusion: Good luck!

I hope that you have learned a lot of useful information from this book that can help you. Someone can resolve the situation with their reluctance to go to kindergarten. And for some – to prevent such a situation. In closing, I want to tell one more story.

Nursery group, September. Crying babies, and you don’t know who to start calming down first. I want to grab everyone in my arms, hug everyone at once and caress them “wholesale”. And tell their mothers with sad eyes that all this will definitely pass, you just need to believe and help your kids a little.

...Preparatory group, already adults, solemn 6-7 year old children. They read poems and sing songs about school. And now the teachers are already crying, furtively wiping away their tears with handkerchiefs they had prepared in advance. And pride: raised, guided along the path of preschool childhood! And a memory: they came to us as crying babies, but became serious people!

Even if at some stage in your child’s “kindergarten” life problems arise, do not despair and do not rush to give up kindergarten. After a while, looking back, you will understand that everything was surmountable. Don’t try to be “the only warrior in the field.” If the problem concerns a kindergarten, then take teachers, a psychologist and other teachers as your allies. And of course, believe in your child. After all, together we are strong!

Acknowledgments

Many thanks to all my friends, acquaintances and colleagues who shared their parenting experiences with me. Without your help, this book would not be as interesting!

And, of course, I sincerely thank my family: my husband Dmitry for support and inspiration in those moments when I was especially tired, my children - Vlad, Oleg and Anechka - for understanding the fact that my mother works, my parents and my husband's parents for always being ready to help.

Notes

Vasilkina Yulia. What to do if your child is restless. M.: Eksmo, 2012.

In this case, we start from how the question is posed. If “the child does not want to walk,” this does not mean at all that he will not be able to do it. Look around. Have you ever met a healthy child who did not walk by the age of three? This doesn't happen. And counting the months and comparing your baby with others is just another reason to be nervous. This cannot be done for several reasons:

• first of all, you spoil your nerves and mood, which means your child will also feel it and respond to you with a bad mood, whims or unreasonable crying
• such a comparison sets you up to believe that your child is somehow worse than others. Such thoughts have a depressing effect on everyone, and underestimating your own child can further affect his self-esteem. A child who is not confident in himself is a bad start to independent life.
• Those around you, having heard your complaints, will also begin to believe that if the child wants to walk, then it is underdeveloped. Under no circumstances should such a reason for a negative attitude towards a child be given into the hands of less than friendly people.

Be patient and look at everything with optimism. Perhaps the fact that the child does not want to learn to walk at the same time as everyone else is the first manifestation of his originality and difference from others.

If, nevertheless, you don’t have enough patience to wait for the first steps, then gradually try to encourage your child to take this.

• When walking by the handle, do not hold him, but let him hold on to his finger on his own. In this case, if the baby gets distracted and wants to reach something to the side, it will be easier for him to break away from his parents and take the first step.
• Give your child more opportunities to move. If he moves freely around the apartment, and not just sits in the playpen, then he has much more reasons to walk independently.
• Play outdoor games with your baby more often, call him to you, ask him to bring toys or things that he likes.
• You can and should try provocative actions. While the child is standing on his feet and is far enough away from his parents, offer him a new or favorite toy. Very often, kids, in a hurry to get the desired item, forget that they can crawl and take their first steps.

But don’t be too intrusive, otherwise the child will figure out all the tricks and his stubbornness may only increase. If so, don't force him. Just change your attitude to the situation and set yourself a different task, for example, teaching your child to eat with a spoon. More often than not, the situation changes dramatically precisely when it is no longer considered problematic.

My Aliska is 1 year and 2 months old, but she doesn’t doesn't want to walk on his own. Crawls, walks, holding on to furniture and a finger, stands without support, climbs on and off the sofa, and walk- no way. As soon as you let go, it immediately plops onto the floor and continues crawling. It seems to me that she is afraid. I know you will say that all children are different, but I have never seen an immobile child older than a year, and, of course, I am worried. The orthopedist examined the one-year-old child and found no pathologies. But maybe you can somehow speed up the process or is it better not to interfere?

Answered by Komarovsky E. O.

I must “comfort” you: I personally have seen a fairly large number of children who didn't want to walk on their own- just like your daughter. Please note: they could, but didn't want to! If a child can stand independently without support, can walk holding a finger, this means that the child does not have any pathology - neither neurological nor orthopedic (especially since medical specialists do not find any reason for concern). Consequently, your problem lies not in the physical area, but in the psychological area. And this is true: and I'm scared to walk itself, and it’s just more convenient to crawl. And this will continue until the child becomes more comfortable walk. Child psychology, especially at the age of one and a half years, although it has become the basis for a bunch of books and scientific works, is still a sealed secret. The less we interfere in unclear things, the less problems we have. Personally, I would leave the child alone. You still have time to run after her...

Every new success of a baby is a huge event for his family: now he is already rolling over, sitting up, and starting to crawl. But when at some points the child develops a little differently from plan, his loved ones begin to worry a lot about this.

So, in the life of every parent, an important and at the same time very exciting moment is when his baby does. And therefore, if the baby is over a year old, but does not walk, then this topic automatically becomes the number one topic of almost daily family council. Why is the child still in no hurry to learn to walk independently, how to help him and is it worth interfering in this process?

How many months should a child be walking?

Under normal conditions and in the absence of any diseases, children, as a rule, always fully master walking by eighteen months. According to doctors, the norm is if a child begins to walk between 9 months and one and a half years.

How early a baby begins to walk is influenced by several factors, the main ones of which are:

1. Predisposition at the genetic level. If at least one of the parents began to take his first steps quite late, then the baby will most likely take approximately the same time.
2. Body type. As practice shows, thin babies begin to walk a little earlier than their well-fed peers.
3. Floor. Girls are usually earlier in many ways than boys, and walking is no exception.
4. Character traits. There are restless children who are in a hurry to explore the world around them, and there are kids who prefer to contemplate more and wait for a more opportune moment. They are in no hurry to learn something new, and, in particular, independent walking.

Why do children at the age of one and a half refuse to walk independently without the help of their hands?

According to experts, there may be reasons for the fact that a child refuses to walk independently and does not let go of the parent’s hand, both psychological and physiological in origin.

The main psychological factors include:

Quite rare, but still there are physiological factors that contribute to the later appearance of independent steps by the baby:

1. Motor development problems , muscular dystonia and other similar ailments. This is a rather serious factor, the presence of which causes a delay not only in the child’s development of independent walking, but also in other motor skills.
2. The baby’s muscle corset is not yet strengthened enough . Quite often there is a situation when the muscles of the legs and spine of a child by the age of one do not yet have time to prepare for the heavy loads that are inevitable when walking. When the baby intuitively feels confident in his body, he will go. In this case, the well-known phrase: “There is a time for everything.”

These are the main reasons for reluctance to walk, which experts identify. However, we should not forget that each child is individual and has the right to his own development schedule. So, even in the same family, children can start walking at completely different times.

As for those children who pass the crawling stage and immediately begin to walk, psychologists recommend that parents still try to teach their babies to crawl in a playful way. Indeed, according to research conducted by specialists in the field of neuropsychology, prolonged crawling has several positive consequences:

• in “crawling” children, the hemispheres of the brain develop more harmoniously;
• in the future, such children achieve great success in their studies and master the exact sciences well.

In addition, active crawling has a beneficial effect on the development of the baby's back muscles.

What not to do if a child refuses to walk independently

Quite often, parents, being very worried about the child’s lack of independent walking, and at the same time not knowing how and what needs to be done in such a situation, make many mistakes that further discourage the child from any desire to walk.

But mom and dad are the most important people for a child, and without their support and help it is much more difficult for him to learn new skills.

Therefore, in a situation where a child does not walk independently after a year, parents should not make the following mistakes:

How to help a child who refuses to walk on his own?

Rule #1. Promote normal physical development of your baby. That is, morning exercises and active games should be an integral part of your child’s daily routine. Regular physical activity helps strengthen muscles, and the attention and care of parents gives strength and confidence to the baby. Experts note that massage has a healing effect on the ability to walk, and it can be carried out by both professionals and parents on their own. Intense, but at the same time quite gentle rubbing can be combined with morning exercises, and in the evening you can perform a light relaxing massage.

Rule #2. Try to encourage your child to lift off the support more often . To do this, place things that interest the baby (a favorite or new bright toy, etc.) higher up, or even better, in a place where there is no support. Then the baby will have to try to stand on its own legs without relying on anything.

Rule #3. Joint games with a child also contribute to faster learning of walking. The most productive game in this regard: when the baby needs to take literally one or two steps from dad to mom (from grandfather to grandmother) and back. At the same time, all participants in the game smile, kiss and hug the child, praising him for his success. Remember that positive emotions are the key to success in any endeavor, including learning to walk independently.

Rule #4. Try to “infect” the child with your example . Show him at home and on walks how great and fun it is to run and walk.

What to do if your child does not walk at one and a half years?

What should parents do if their child is already one and a half years old, and he still has not started walking on his own?

Firstly, parents need to be patient, because what lies ahead is a rather difficult process of finding out the true reason for the child’s refusal to move in an upright position.

Secondly, to determine the cause, you need to involve the following specialists:

• pediatrician who, having examined the baby and made conclusions about his general condition, will write out referrals to doctors of a more narrow focus;
• surgeon – a doctor who will professionally assess the condition of the baby’s muscle corset and joints;
• neurologist – a specialist who will assess the child’s psychomotor development, muscle tone, reflexes and reactions to certain stimuli. If the doctor notes any alarming signs, he will prescribe a specific rehabilitation program.

note

It is very important to show the baby to a specialist in this field at three months to make sure that the baby is developing according to the norms corresponding to his age.

• orthopedist – a specialist of the most narrow profile, to whom, as a rule, surgeons or neurologists are referred if the baby suspects any problems with bones, joints and muscles.

According to orthopedists, the most common problems are:

• (constant tension) muscles;
• muscular dystonia.

In order to identify and eliminate possible orthopedic problems in a timely manner, preventive examinations by a specialist should not be neglected during the first year of the child’s life. Because subsequently problems may arise with the baby’s independent movement.

If your visits to the doctors are over, and you have a conclusion in your hands that your child is completely healthy, but he still does not want to walk, then you should patiently continue to work with the baby, taking into account the above rules, and wait a little longer. Show wisdom and ingenuity, and your baby will meet you very soon.

At the same time, do not forget about the simple joys of life: just love the baby, hug, kiss. A friendly attitude and a positive atmosphere are the best help and support for your child.